Tik Tok on the clock but the Party don't stop
by BandDork13
Summary: what if Doug had a girl for a best friend & she came to Vegas with the boys? What if she was in love Stu Price? Well you're about to find out. Rated T for language.
1. just one of the boys

"Hello?"

"Tracy, it's Phil."

"Where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out."

"Yeah, uh listen," he paused. "We fucked up."

"What are you talking about?"

"The bachelor party the whole night got out of control," he paused again before dropping the bomb. "We lost Doug."

"What?" panic evident in her voice.

"We can't find Doug."

"What are you saying Phil? We're getting married in five hours."

"Yeah that's not going to happen."

Okay. Wait can we rewind a little, actually a lot I'm sure you're wondering Doug is and how the hell did we lose him? Well that's what I'm here to tell you. And who am I and why should you care? I don't really expect you to care but I can say this is one hell of a story you don't want to miss.

The name is Charlie Shea, one of three of Doug's best friends, the other tow being Phil Wenneck and Stu Price. We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, and were always hanging out together. Even when it came to college we ended up at schools near each other. That meant every weekend we were together getting into trouble only college students could find. That's how we met Tracy Garner, Doug's wife to be, she was my roommate. Oh yeah did I forget to mention that I'm a girl? Sorry Charlie is short for Charlaine, which I hate, or Phil likes to call me Chuck, which I hate even more. Anyway I used to be a huge tomboy. I lived to play sports and get dirty. It wasn't as bad in high school when I found some girl friends but it wasn't until I met Tracy that I discovered my inner "girly-girl" as Phil bullshit explanation goes. Ha yeah right, I just think I found a good balance of both.

Now when Doug and Tracy started dating I was excited and a year and a half ago I was really excited when they decided to get married. I was super excited when Tracy asked me to be a bridesmaid. But then Doug asked me to go to Vegas with him for his bachelor party I was surprised and so excited I could piss myself. It felt like it took forever for this day to arrive but soon after I try my bridesmaid dress we shall be on our way to sin city.

I examined myself in the full-length mirror. The dress was simple, black, strapless, floor length, and beautiful. I saw Tracy appear behind me in the reflection of the mirror. "Well you look gorgeous, you're going to steal the show," she said with a smile.

I rolled my eyes "Yeah then why am I still single? Besides you're the bride, all eyes will be on you." She gave me a hug but before she could say anything I added, "And I don't want any pity, that's not why I just said that."

"All right, " she said as she stepped back holding her hands up in surrender. "I'll go to the study to tell the boys you are almost ready."

"Yep, I'll be there in a minute." After hanging my dress up nicely, I tugged on my ripped jeans, buttoned up my plaid flannel, pulled out my black converse, and perched my white ray bans on top of my head. I was ready to roll. I found the study door and knocked. Doug and Tracy opened it holding hands. I took one look at Doug and couldn't help but giggle. "You might want to wipe that lip gloss off before we leave. I wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong impression of you in Vegas," I said and finished it off with a wiggle of my eyebrows. He rolled his eyes and swiped a hand across his mouth before grabbing out bags. He even held the front door open for me and closed it behind us. Doug, always the gentleman, if he wasn't like a brother to me I might see why Tracy is marrying him.

"Hey Sid, I just wanted to thank you again for everything you're doing this weekend. We couldn't be more excited," Doug said as he shook Sid Garner's hand. That's Tracy's dad in case you didn't figure it out. To be honest he scared me a little but I gave him a bright smile and a thumbs up anyway to show my excitement.

"Ah yeah, it's great. You love us. We love you. Terrific. Now talk to me about Vegas. Are you still sure you want to bring the girl?" Sid said but whispered that last part. Guess what? I heard you anyways Sid and besides we were bringing Alan. That's Tracy's brother who is currently sitting in front of Doug's car practically making out with the dog.

"Yeah I'm definitely sure. It should be pretty mellow. Do some gambling, maybe catch some rays, have some laughs," Doug replied as we walked to the car.

"Yeah laughs, great. How you getting out there?" Sid then wanted to know. Why does this matter exactly? Can't we just leave already?

"We're going to drive, take my care, pick my friends up after this."

"The Prius?" Sid asked skeptically. I let out a laugh. The Prius was a joke. I totally advised against it, as did Phil when Doug bought but did he listen to us? Obviously not.

"Yeah," Doug slid me a glare.

"Taking the Prius to Vegas? You know when you go to Vegas, you gotta go to Vegas. She knows what I mean," Sid said while the garage opened to reveal a baby blue 1969 Mercedes-Benz Cabriolet.

"No, Sid really?" Doug said at the same time I squealed, "it's so beautiful!" With my mouth hanging open, I walked in to the garage.

"Yeah I mean you're family now."

"Are you sure? I mean you love this car." And who wouldn't?

"Doug it's just a car, just make sure when you get there put some armor all on the tired so the sand doesn't seep in, " Sid said.

"I'll remind him Mr. Garner. Don't worry," I said before I could even think maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.

"Absolutely, that's easy," Doug said, ignoring me.

"Maybe she's good to keep around after all, " Sid said looking at me and then adding, "Oh and don't let Alan drive. There's something wrong with him." Agreed but I kept that to myself because I think I just got on Mr. Garner good side.

"Understood," Doug nodded.

"Or Phil either, I don't like him," Sid whispered the last part to me even though Doug I'm sure heard it. Truth is Phil is one of my best friends and I don't like him that much either...well sometimes.

"I will be the only one driving this car," Doug said completely ignoring my disappointed look.

"Good and remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," Sid reminded us. Doug let out a nervous laugh but was cut off. "Except for Herpes that shit will come back with you."

Right.

**MEMO: Pictures of Charlie & her outfit on my homepage! :)**


	2. it's just a crush

"Do you have to park so close?" Alan asked from the passenger seat. We were sitting in front of the school where Phil teaches. I can't say I'd want my child to be learning anything from Phil ever. What's even worse is he has a kid of his own.

"Yeah why? What's wrong?" Doug asked.

"I shouldn't be here," Aland was attempting to cover his face as if that would help.

"Why is that Alan?"

"I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school."

"What?" I saw Doug's eyes widen in shock. I just smirked back at Doug in the rearview mirror. I feel like I have a little less to worry about, I don't' think he'll be coming on to me. I'm too old for him.

"Or a Chuck E. Cheese," Alan added. I looked over to see Phil finally exiting the building.

"Hey Mr. Wenneck!" a chubby boy yelled to Phil.

"This is the weekend Budnick. I do not know you, you do not exist," Phil said holding a hand up to prevent further conversation. How nice of him.

"It's about time Phillip," I said sitting up from my lounging in the back seat. I was going to get stuck in the middle seat. I just knew it.

"Shit," Phil said ignoring me to admire the Benz. Doug laughed at Phil's expression, basically a kid on Christmas morning come to mind. "Nice car. I'm driving."

"Whoa no chance, don't step on the, god watch the leather," Doug yelled as Phil tossed his bag at me, stepped up on the car, and dropped into the seat next to me a his signature cocky grin on his face.

"Shut up and drive before on of these nerds asks me another question," he said putting his arm around me. "Hey Chuck, how's it going? Looking good. Who's this?"

I removed his arm while Doug answered, "It's Alan, Tracy's brother."

"I met you like four times," Alan said.

"Come on Phil, how you could you forget Alan?" I said with my signature smirk.

"Oh yeah, how you doing?"

Next we were going to Stu's house to pick him up. "I think you should go to the door, I'm sure Melissa would love that," Phil turned to me.

"Does she even know I'm going? And besides don't think she knows I have feelings for him," I answered kind of wondering aloud.

"Then why is she such a bitch to you?" Phil asked.

"She's a bitch to everyone including Stu and you know it. He deserves so much better than her. Even if he wasn't with me but he was happy I'd be okay with that," I explained less calmly than I wanted to.

"Okay Charlie I was just kidding. Chill out," Phil said. He just loved to push my buttons especially when it came to my feelings for Stu. Those feelings weren't always there you see, I'll try to make the story short. I thought that Corbin was the one but it turned out he was a cheating asshole. Stu was such a great friend to me after I broke up with Corbin and I realized he was the kind of guy I was looking for. I was going to tell him how I felt but he started dating the evil bitch Melissa. I've been waiting for them to break up ever since with out any luck.

"Are one of you going to go get him or not?" Doug asked impatiently.

"If I happen to see her even for a second it will ruin my whole trip. Why can't you go?" I said.

Phil took matters into his own hands, "Paging Dr. Faggot Dr. Faggot!" he yelled.

"Whoo Road Trip!" Aland was standing in his seat yelling to the world about our road trip including the little girl next to us. "Vegas Baby! Going to Vegas, you're not!" Alan sat down when the girl flicked him off. We all chuckled in the back seat.

"Come on just until Barstow. Everyone is passing us," Phil continued to beg to drive the Benz.

And Doug was continuing to deny him, "Absolutely not, I promised Sid I will be the only one driving this car. Besides you're drinking."

"Oh what are you a cop now? Come on you know I drive great when I'm drunk."

"That's true, don't forget Phil was always our designated drunk driver. He's better at driving drunk than Charlie is sober," Stu noted.

I him in the arm and then defended myself, "That is so not true, just because I like to drive fast doesn't mean I drive badly."

"You want to explain to them Alan?" Doug said.

"You guys my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so yeah."

And Phil was still not buying it, "Oh whatever, I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas. You know how difficult that was?" Seriously?

"That's really sweet, Phil," Alan said proving how truly slow he must be.

"Dude I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I might just stay in Vegas."

"Here we go, " muttered Doug.

"You know what Doug, you should enjoy yourself because com Sunday you're doing to start dying a little bit everyday," Phil began rambling his anti-marriage rant.

"Yeah, " Aland said in agreement.

I shook my head, "Number one everyone is dying a little bit everyday and number two just because you hate being married doesn't mean everyone does."

"Of course you would say that Charlie you are a woman. You women are really good at making us believe marriage is the way to go. However, when we men discover the truth it's too damn late." I threw my hands up at Phil's response. I knew there would be no end to this argument so I didn't bother wasting my breath.

"That's why I managed to stay single this whole time you know," Alan said.

"Oh really that's why you're single?" Stu said, who up until now has been usually quiet.

"Yeah."

"Cool, good to know." I gave Stu a 'be nice look', which he returned with a 'what?' look.

"Am I alright over there Alan?" Doug asked so he could move over a lane.

"You're good," Except we so weren't unless you didn't mind almost crashing into a semi. I let out a scream and grabbed on to Stu's arm.

"Jesus Christ," Doug yelled.

And Stu yelled, "Oh my god!"

Alan began laughing, "That was awesome!"

"Yeah I don't think so Alan," I said.

"That was not awesome. What's wrong with you?" Doug asked what we were all wondering.

"That was insane. We almost just died," Stu said as I loosened my grip on his arm and dropped my head to his shoulder.

"You should have seen your faces. Ha classic," Alan still did not see the problem.

"That's Funny," Phil said chuckling, earning him a few glares and a smack in the leg from yours truly.

"That was not funny," Doug said sternly.


	3. on the road again

"Boy you've got a sweet ride there," I watched as an old man approached the Benz where Alan was leaning against it. He was in charge of pumping the gas something I wouldn't have trusted him with. He was reading some kind of gambling tips book.

"Don't touch it, don't even look at it. Go on. Get out. You heard me," Aland yelled at the poor old man giving him a strange look. "Don't look at me either. Yeah you better walk on." I shook my head and headed toward the counter squeezing between Phil and Doug to put my Swedish Fish and Coke down.

"He's actually kind of funny," Phil said already eating his bag of lays chips.

"I have to admit he is pretty funny except when he tried to kill us," I agreed.

"Yeah he means well," Doug said shrugging.

"I will hit an old man in public!" Alan then shouted.

"Is he all there, like mentally?" Phil asked.

"I think so, he's just an odd guy," Doug said and I shot him a look. "He's just kind of weird."

"I mean should be worried?" Phil was quite the curious george today.

"No, no. Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble or drink too much."

"Doug if I end up babysitting him, I will kill you," I threatened.

"Jesus he's like a gremlin. He comes with instructions and shit," Phil said.

"He's hairy and pudgy like one too," I said.

"And one water," Stu said setting the bottle on the counter.

"All good with Melissa?" Doug asked, while I rolled my eyes at Phil.

"Oh yeah, I told her we're two hours outside of wine country and she bought it," Stu said proudly.

"Phil turned to face Stu, "Don't you think it's kind of strange you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas and the fact that your female best friend is coming?"

"Yeah I do but trust me it's not worth the fight," Stu answered.

"Oh so you can't go to Vegas or hang out with Charlie but she can fuck a bellhop on a carnival cruise line?" Phil shot back.

"Okay first of all Melissa has no problem with Charlie, she would have just thought it was inappropriate that she was coming to the bachelor party. And second of all he was a bartender and she was wasted and if you must know he didn't even come inside her," Stu defended himself horribly. The cashier lady was giving us giving us the strangest look; imagine if Alan was in here too. Ha.

"And you believe that?" Phil and I said simultaneously.

"Uh yeah I do believe that because she's grossed out by seamen," Stu said.

"That'll be 32.50," the cashier said probably because she didn't want to hear anymore of our fucked up conversation.

"It's 32.50, are you going to pay for that?" Phil asked grabbing his stuff and walked out.

As we walked out Stu eyed my purchases, "That's going to rot your teeth you that right?"

"Shut up Stu. You can be so fucking stupid sometimes," I said marching ahead to the car. Stu gave a Phil a 'what did I do?' look. Phil had his cocky grin in place looking from Stu to me and shrugged although he knew exactly what I meant even if Stu had no clue. I have to give Phil some credit he knew how to keep a secret at least.

I have been listening to my iPod because I didn't feel like listening to these assholes but I think Alan is talking about that damn gambling book. This could be good.

"It says here we should work in teams, who wants to be my spotter?" Alan asked hi nose in that book.

"I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight Alan," Doug said as if he were talking to a ten year old.

"Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling if you know you're going to win. Counting cards is a fool proof system," Alan said.

"It's also illegal," Stu said.

"It's not illegal, it's just frowned upon like masturbating on an airplane," Alan was dead serious and that's when I busted out laughing. I don't think anyone knew I was listening since they all looked at me.

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal too," Phil said with a smirk.

"Yeah maybe after 9-11 and everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden."

"Either way you have to be super smart to count cards buddy. Okay?" Doug said.

"Oh really?" Alan questioned.

"It's not easy."

"Well maybe we should tell that to rain man because he practically bankrupt a casino and he was a ruh-tard." Yes that was seriously Alan's response. Although I'm not sure what a ruh-tard is, it sent me into a whole new fit of laughter.

"What?" Stu asked.

"He was a ruh-tard."

"Retard," Doug corrected with a laugh.


	4. this is the life

We pulled up in front of the gorgeous Caesar's Palace. By this time it was dark and the city was lit up making it just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen. We got our bags from the truck and let the valet take care of the car. Two blonde girls said hi to Phil, normally that would annoy me but the excitement of being in Las Vegas came rushing back to me. This night was going to be awesome.

"Hi welcome to Caesar's," The girl at the counter greeted us. A chorus of hi, hello, and heys came from our group. "Checking in?"

"We have a reservation under Dr. Price," Stu said.

"Okay let me look that up for you."

"Dr. Price?" Phil questioned," Stu you're a dentist. Don't try and get fancy."

"It's not fancy if it's true," Stu was obviously trying to impress the girl.

"Yeah I wouldn't want just any asshole working on my teeth, Phil but oh wait," I said.

Phil let out a laugh, "He's a dentist, don't get too excited and if someone has a heart attack you should still call 9-1-1."

"We'll be sure to do that."

"Can I ask you a question? Is the hotel pager friendly?" Alan asked holding a pager.

"I didn't think anyone used those anymore," I whispered to Doug, although this is Alan we are talking about. Doug just shrugged in response.

"What do you mean?" she asked looking confused.

"I'm not getting a sig on my beeper."

"I'm not sure."

"Is there a pay phone bank? A bunch of pay phones? Business," Aland then said. Better question is what kind of business could Alan possibly have?

"Um there's a phone in your room," she said.

Alan nodded, "That'll work."

Getting back to what was really important, "So I have you in a two bedroom suit on floor twelve," she informed us.

"Sounds perfect," Doug said as we grinned at each other.

"Actually I was wondering if you have any villas available?" Phil asked.

"Phil we're not even going to be in the room," Stu said.

"It's not necessary," Doug agreed.

"If we share beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You good with that?" Alan chimed in. I let out a laugh that earned me a glare from Phil.

"No, I'm not good with that. Guys we are not sharing beds. What are we twelve years old?" Phil paused to look at the girl's nametag. "Lisa I apologize, how much is the villa?"

"Well we have one villa available and it's 4,200 for the night," Lisa said.

"Is it awesome?" Alan asked.

"It's pretty awesome," she said with a smile.

"We'll take it. Give her your credit card," Phil said looking at Stu.

"I can't give her my credit card," Phil said looking at Stu.

"We'll split it," Doug said, always the compromising one.

"Are you crazy? This is on us," Phil said turning his look to Doug.

Stu sighed, "You don't get it. Melissa checks my statements." Seriously that's a bit psycho.

Lisa interrupted before things could get ugly, "Well we just need the credit care on file. We won't charge you anything until you check out. So you can figure it out then."

"Perfect. That's perfect Lisa, thank you. And we'll deal with it tomorrow come on," Phil said gesturing to Stu.

"Fine, " Stu said reluctantly giving Lisa his credit card.

"Can I ask you another question?" Alan said.

"Sure."

"You probably get this a lot, this isn't the real Caesar's palace is it?"

Lisa looked confused again, "What do you mean?"

Alan looked at us nervously as we all waited for his explanation, "Um did Caesar live here?" I started laughing. I just couldn't help myself.

"Um no," Lisa replied. She probably doesn't get paid enough to deal with a crazy like Alan.

"I didn't think so."

"Holy Shit," Stu said as we all walked into our villa.

"Now this is Vegas," Phil said turning to give Doug and I a grin. I nodded because I was speechless.

"Oh my this place in enormous," Doug said as we stood side-by-side in the foyer taking it all in.

"Now we are talking, Phil said gazing out the window that looked over the city.

"Is this all one suite?" Doug asked.

"I believe so, Doug," I answered.

"Thank you guys or should I say thank you Stu."

"Your welcome, it's only because I love you," Stu said pointing at Doug.

"Hey what about me? I intend to pay my part of the bill," I whined a bit putting my hands on my hips. "I didn't become a lawyer to be part of the family business I did it for the big bucks."

"Thank you too Charlie," Doug said. I smiled and threw my arms around his neck.

"Hey guys look free almonds," Alan said picking up a jar from the counter in the kitchen.

I wandered over to the window where Phil was standing to take in the view. Stu rushed over to Alan. "Oh no, no, no, please put those back." He took the almonds from Alan and put them back where the jar once was.

"What I'm just hungry," Alan said in confusion.

"Well I know but," Stu began but was cut off.

"Stu what the fuck?" Phil asked approaching the counter. I decided to follow him.

"Well it's on a pressure sensitive plate. When you pick it up you have thirty seconds to put it back or they bill you, Stu explained.

"Really? That's pretty neat," Alan said.

"Well it may be neat but it's also very expensive. Those almonds are probably like $14.00."

"Stu relax," Phil said taking a shot glass about the same size as the jar and filling it with water.

"Phil, Melissa is like a forensic accountant. She scours my statements. If you want nuts I suggest you put your own credit card down," Stu said irritated.

"This is explains why you are such a tightwad," I commented.

"Watch this," Phil said making sure the water felt like same weight as the almonds. He then set the water where the almonds were, "Problem solved, here Alan. Enjoy your almonds."

"I don't want them. He ruined it," Alan pouted and I giggled.

Phil pulled a beer out of the fridge, "Alright pick a room, get dressed, and be ready in thirty minutes. Think you can manage that, Charlie?

I scoffed, "Yeah of course, Phillip. Don't worry about it," I answered with a bright grin before taking his beer and skipping to my room of choice.


	5. you've got to be joking right?

After checking Doug and Phil's room to find they were empty, I walked into Stu's room to find all three of them. Phil was lounging on the bed. Doug was sitting on a chair in the corner. Both of their mouths' fell open when they saw me and Stu was on the phone so he wasn't paying attention. I grinned and struck some model like poses.

"Well listen I got to go. We're going to hit this wine tasting. Wait, wait, wait I love you. Okay Byeie," Stu ended his conversation with Melissa I'm assuming. I began to feel the heat in my face when Stu turned his attention to me. I don't know if it was the way he was looking at me or the fact that he was standing there in nothing but a pair of white boxer briefs.

"I'm not even going to say anything, it's embarrassing," Phil's voice caused me to break my gaze but not before I saw the color in Stu's cheeks.

I turned to Phil lounging on the bed, "What Phil? Just say it."

"Where do you want me to start? That phone call or the fact that you managed to look like a hooker before Stu could get ready?" Phil shot back.

"Charlie you look amazing not like a hooker though," Doug defended me although I knew I looked hot. I wasn't about to hit the Vegas streets looking anything less.

"Thank you Doug," I said sitting in the chair next to Doug.

"Where's Alan?" Stu asked.

"He went downstairs, said he needed to grab a few things," Doug answered obviously unsure of what that meant.

"Good because I have something to show you," Stu said doing a weird dance move/flexing his muscles type thing every two words. I don't know but it was funny, that is until he pulled out an engagement ring.

"Uh oh," Doug said shooting me a look before getting up to look at the ring.

I'm sure my face was a mix of horror, panic, and determination not to cry. "What the hell is that?" Phil asked also looking at me.

"What do you think it is?" Stu asked too excited to catch on to their concerned looks at me.

"Well if it's what I think it is, I think it's a big fucking mistake," Phil said grabbing the ring and shaking his head.

"I'm going to propose to Melissa at your wedding, after the ceremony," Stu said confirming my worst fear. I couldn't speak even if I wanted to I would have just started crying.

"Stewie congratulations," Doug said.

"Thank you, Doug."

"That's a beautiful ring."

"Yeah it's my grandmother's. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that. It's legit," Stu explained proudly as he put his pants and shirt on.

"Wait I don't understand. Have you not listened to anything Charlie and I have ever said?" Phil said everyone turned to look at me. Suddenly I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Phil we've been dating for three years. This is how it work," Stu said.

"A. That's bullshit B. She is a complete bitch and C. Charlie," Phil was cut off by Doug. Thank god because I have no idea what was about to come out of Phil's mouth.

"Hey that's his fiance," Doug said hitting Phil's foot.

Phil got up off the bed, gesturing wildly, "What? It's true, it's true, you know it's true. Charlie come on back me up here. She beats him," I shook my head.

"That was only twice and I was out of line. She is strong willed and I respect that,"

"Wow, wow he's in denial, not to mention she fucked a sailor," Phil pointed out.

"He wasn't a sailor, he was a bartender on cruise ship. You know that," Doug said.

"No Phil's right. You guys have always told me if a guy ever hit me to leave or if a guy cheats on me to leave. I don't how understand how this is different. I mean I've never said anything but," I stopped talking because I realized everyone was staring at me. Phil was grinning, while Doug and Stu just looked a little shocked.

"Guys I'm standing right here so I can hear everything you're saying," Stu said after a moment.

"That's when Alan appeared in the doorway, "Hey guys you ready to let the dogs out?"

"What?" Phil asked at the same time that Stu said. "Do what?"

"Let the dogs out? You know like 'who let the dogs out? Who, who, who," Alan sang that horribly annoying song and danced awkwardly.

"Who brought this guy along?" Phil asked. I smiled and realized I'm glad Alan was there. As insane as he may seem, his crazy antics make me laugh and that's the only thing that's going to keep me sane tonight. Well that and a whole hell of a lot of alcohol.

"Yes Alan we are ready to let the dogs out. Congrats," Doug said handing the ring back to Stu.

"Thank you," Stu said.

"Let me know when you need a divorce lawyer. I might have to brush up on all that but I'd be willing to do that for you Stu," I said before Phil wrapped an arm around my shoulders leading me out of the room.

"I bet you would love that," Phil said.

We were waiting for the elevator in silence although Phil was studying Alan intently. "You're not really wearing that are you?"

"What?" Alan asked.

"The man purse, you actually going to wear that or you just fucking with me?"

"This is where I keep my things. I get a lot of compliments on it. Plus it's not a man purse it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one," Alan explained.

"So does Joy Behar," Phil countered.

I decided to help Alan out, "So does Nick Jonas and he's pretty popular with the ladies," I said with a smirk.

"He's too young to know any better and so are the ladies who like him," Phil shot back.

I pouted as the elevator doors slid open. There was a nasty looking guy with a slutty looking girl inside. What they were doing before the doors opened I didn't want to know but I think I have a pretty good idea. "We're going up," the guy said.

"Yeah that's perfect," Phil said ushering us in.

"We're going up?" Doug asked.

And Phil ignored him but asked me, "Why are you being so nice to him?" He was leaning toward me and kept his voice low.

"Because you're being mean to him," I said with a shrug.

**MEMO: Charlie's outfit on my homepage! :)**


	6. ain't going down 'til the sun comes up

"I'm just saying it's clearly marked okay? We are definitely not suppose to be up here," Stu said.

"Oh come on Stu, we're paying for a villa we can do whatever the fuck we want," Phil said.

Stu tried to protest some more, "Yeah but."

However I interrupted him, "Just relax for once."

"Actually just wedge the door open," Phil commanded.

"How the hell did you find this place?" Doug asked.

I took off my heels and wait until everyone else climbed the ladder except Stu who was waiting for me. "Go Stu. I'm going last I don't want anyone looking up my dress," I said motioning up the ladder.

"Charlie I'm not going to look up you dress. I'm not Phil," Stu said uncomfortably. The funny think is I was beginning to think that Phil wasn't so bad after all. I mean yeah he teased me constantly but he always had my back. Stu watched me trying to juggle my clutch and shoes.

"Fine," I said handing him my purse. There was no way I could hold both and use the ladder.

"Wait Charlie is something wrong?" Stu asked laying his free hand on my arm.

"Nope, everything is great," I lied brushing him off although he eyed me skeptically.

"Whoa are you kidding?" Stu said taking in the view and handing my purse back to me.

"Alan how we doing buddy?" Phil asked.

"Good," he said fiddling around with some stuff he had brought with him in a plastic bag.

"What do you got over there, Alan?" Doug asked. Alan brought over five glasses and a bottle of Jaeger. "Uh oh a little jaegermeister, good idea." Aland began pouring it into the glasses he handed us.

"This is a fucking fabulous idea, the sooner I get drunk the better," I said. Phil just shook his head and grinned.

"No this is good I'd like to make a toast to Doug and Tracy. May tonight be but a minor speed bump in an otherwise very long and happy marriage," Stu gave his little speech.

We all responded with 'cheers!' and we clinked our glasses together.

"Oh it's like college," Doug said.

"Yes it does bring back memories," I commented.

"Okay I want to talk about something," Phil began to say but was interrupted.

"I'd like to say something that I've prepared tonight," Aland said dramatically taking a wrinkled piece of notebook paper from his pocket. I looked at Phil who looked annoyed and couldn't help but smirk.

"All right Alan," Stu encouraged.

"Hello, how about that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. Hahaha. You guys may not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there was two of us in the pack, I…I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys. I thought wait a second, could it be? And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys and a girl to my wolf pack. I mean Charlie you are practically a guy. You like girls just like guys like girls, right?" Alan asked me completely serious. While the other three tried not to laugh.

I started to cough out of pure shock. "Um no Alan, I'm straight. I like guys not girls. I'm really not a lesbian," I said quite flustered. Okay so in college Tracy and I may have kissed but it meant nothing. And nobody knows but us and nobody will ever know but us. But come on a lot of people experiment in college right?

"Alright well whatever, four of us wolves and one wolfette running around the desert together, in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, we make a toast!" Alan finally finished. We raised our glasses for the toast however Alan pulled out a knife.

"What?" Stu yelled while the rest of us freaked out.

"What are you doing?" Doug asked as Alan cut his hand open and made noises usually associated with pain.

"What is that?" Stu then asked. Clearly none of us knew what to do at this point.

"Blood brothers," Alan stated as if it should have been obvious. I just covered my eyes; I am so not good with blood.

"No why did you?" Stu asked as Doug cursed under his breath.

"Here," Alan offered the knife to Stu.

"I'm not doing that. Make him stop," Stu whined.

Calmly as he could Doug said, "Alan we're not going to cut ourselves. Give me the knife slowly. Thank you. Okay thank you very much.

I looked at Phil and asked, "What the fuck?"

He just shook his head, "You all right? Okay do you need a doctor?" Alan whimpered an 'mmh mmh' while sucking on his cut, gross.

"He's fine," Doug said sternly.

"You sure," Phil asked skeptically.

"I'm good," Alan answered. I sighed in relief or disgust or both, I can't really decide.

"Good because I need everyone to focus, I want to take a moment to talk about something. I want to talk about memories; no better yet I want to talk about selective memories. You see whatever happens tonight maybe have never happened at all because this circle is about as far as it's ever going to get. In other words forget everything. " Phil paused while Doug and I started to giggle. "I'm serious I got a wife and kid at home. Okay good or bad we don't remember a thing so we got nothing to talk about. Nothing, nothing sound like a deal?"

"Deal," Doug, Stu, and I said in unison.

"Alan come here buddy," Phil said as he poured us all another shot of Jaeger.

"Get in here crazy," Stu said.

Phil raised his glass and we followed his lead, "To a night we'll never remember but the five of us will never forget." Oh how those words would come back to haunt us with a bitter vengeance.

"Cheer," we responded.

"Here we come sin city!" I yelled.


	7. the morning after

I heard door close but I didn't even want to think about opening my eyes. My head was already throbbing and I could tell my back was going to hate me for sleeping on the floor. I couldn't tell you why I was on the floor and not on the floor and not on the nice comfy bed in my room. I then realized I was pressed up against somebody and my arm was across their body. Clearly I had myself a good time but I don't remember it at all. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Stu lying next to me. Oh god what happened last night?

"Morning Charlie," Stu said awkwardly.

I groaned as he reached for his glasses. Stu was fully clothed that was a good sign. I mean if anything were actually happen between us, remembering it would be really nice. I looked down at myself and I still had on my under garments but instead of my beautiful dress I had on Phil's black button up. I'm not sure what that meant in terms of last night. Stu helped me up ad both of us collapsed on the couch. "I'm glad you didn't say good morning because there's nothing good about how I feel right now," I finally said.

Stu nodded but then winced as if that hurt. Suddenly a crash filled the room, then we watched as Alan got up and ran to the bathroom with no pants on I might add. Definitely a disturbing image I assure you. "My head," I whined closing my eyes against the bright room and putting my forehead against Stu's shoulder.

"Ah fuck, control yourself man. God damn it will you put some pants on?" Phil said angrily from some where across the room.

"Phil, do not go in the bathroom!" Alan yelled his voice full of panic.

"Alan just calm down."

"Phil there's a tiger in the bathroom."

"A what?" I asked unsure if I really just heard what I think I heard.

"What's going on?" Stu asked.

"There's a jungle cat in the bathroom," Alan answered. I opened my eyes to see Phil walking toward the bathroom. He still had pants on too also a good sign.

"Okay, okay I'll go check it out," Phil said.

"No, no don't," Alan whimpered. It wouldn't surprise me if he just were seeing things.

Opening and then closing the bathroom door Phil said, "Oh fuck he's not kidding. There's a tiger in there." Like it was no big deal.

"No there isn't," Stu said in disbelief.

"Yeah it's big, it's gigantic," Alan continued to panic.

"Alan please stop yelling," I begged pressing my fingers on my temples.

"You ladies okay?" Phil asked finding his blue button up shirt and putting it on before sitting on the couch opposite us.

"I am in so much pain right now," Stu answered. I got up to find my purse and once I found it I took out my bottle of Aleve. I looked down and found my dress on the floor, great. I got a bottle of water before sitting back down next to Stu. When I was done taking two pills Phil grabbed it from me.

"Wait why are you wearing my shirt, Charlie?" Phil asked.

"Believe me I wish I knew but don't expect me to take it off and give it back to you right now," I responded.

"Why are you naked under my shirt?" Phil asked with a cocky grin.

"Phil," Stu said warned. I glared at him and crossed my arms over my chest and Phil just shrugged.

"God damn look at this place," Phil said after a moment. It was completely trashed. There was a chicken running around, the chair behind us was smoking, beer can pyramids, blow goods in the bubble filled Jacuzzi, the TV behind the bar was hanging off the wall.

"I know they have my credit card downstairs. I am so screwed," Stu said.

"I mean how does a tiger get in the bathroom. I mean it almost killed me," Alan joined in.

"Hey bro you mind putting on pants. I find it a little weird that I have to ask twice," Phil said. I wish Alan would actually listen.

"Pants at a time like this? I don't have any," Alan was mumbling to himself. He picked up a towel and wrapped it around his waist. That's better than nothing.

"What the fuck happened last night?' Phil asked.

"Something I also I wish I knew," I answered.

"Hey guys, am I missing a tooth?" Stu asked.

"I can't see, wait oh shit," Phil said leaning in to look before laughing.

"Oh my god my lateral incisor, it's gone," Stu said examining his mouth in a metal tray.

"I laid my hand on his shoulder trying to comfort him," Stu it's okay."

"Oka, okay we just need to calm down. We're fine; everything's going to be fine. Alan go wake up Doug. Let's just go get some coffee and get the fuck out of here before house keeping comes," Phil directed.

"Don't you think we should at least try to clean up a little?" I asked.

"No what do you think the house keeping is for?"

"What am I going to tell Melissa? I lost a tooth and I have no idea how it happened," Stu said. I rolled my eyes.

"You're freaking me out. I have a massive headache. Let's just calm down," Phil said.

"Oh like we don't feel just as shitty as you do. Oh poor baby," I couldn't help but mock him.

"How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you!" Stu yelled.

Alan appeared again, "Hey guys, he's not in there."

"Did you check all the rooms?" Phil asked.

"Yeah I checked everywhere and plus his mattress is gone."

"Yeah whatever he probably went to the pool to get something to eat. I'll just call his cell," Phil said pulling his phone out of his pocket.

"I look like a nerdy hillbilly," Stu shined examining his mouth again.

I couldn't help but laugh but then Stu shot me a look. I took a deep breath, "Sorry."

A phone, more than likely Doug's phone, was ringing on the other side of the room. Alan picked it up, "Hello."

"Alan," Phil said annoyed.

"Hey."

"It's Phil."

"Oh hey Ph…This is Doug's phone," Alan said finally catching on.

"No shit," Phil said closing his phone. "Charlie, go get dressed. Let's get going.

I got up and started walking toward my room picking up my purse and dress along the way but I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard something that sounded a lot like a baby crying.

"What the fuck was that?" Stu asked.

"I'm pretty sure tigers don't make that noise," I commented.

Alan opened the closet door where the crying was coming from. Sure enough a little baby dressed in blue was sating up at us. "Who's fucking baby is that?" Phil asked.

"Yet another thing I wish I knew," I answered.

"Alan are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?" Stu asked.

"Yeah I checked all the rooms, no one's here. Check it's collar or something," Alan said. The baby started to cry again.

"Shh it's okay baby," Stu said tenderly rocking the baby's seat.

"Stu we don't have time for this. Let's go hook up with Doug and we can deal with the baby later," Phil was getting impatient.

"Phil we're not going to leave a baby in the room. There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Stu stood up to yell at Phil.

"Did you just here what you just said? And you call yourself a father?" I said shaking my head.

"It's not our baby," Phil said as if that was a good reason to ignore a baby.

"Yeah I got to side with them on this one," Alan said.

"Alright fine we'll take if with us. Can you at least just find some pants? Both of you."

"Wow Phil that's something I thought I'd never hear you say to me," I said before walking into my room to change.


	8. things are just getting worse

"Why can't we remember a god damn thing from last night?" Stu asked once we were in the elevator headed down to the pool. He had ice wrapped in a washcloth pressed to his mouth.

"Because obviously we had a great fucking time. Why don't' you just stop worrying for one minute. Be proud of yourself," Phil answered leaning against the back wall of the elevator next to me.

"I don't know Phil maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth or maybe it's because there's a tiger in out hotel room which incidentally is completely destroyed. Oh no wait, wait, wait maybe it's because we found a baby, a human baby. That's it, that's it because we found a fucking baby," Stu said quite cynically.

"I don't think you should curse around the child," Alan said.

"Really? I don't think you should be around a child."

"Hey Stu it's natural to be worried but freaking out on everybody is not going to help. Please just calm down," I tried to say soothing.

The elevator doors opened before he could say anything. An older, well dressed woman walked in, "Oh how cute. What's his name?" she asked admiring the baby then she looked up at me as if I were the mother.

"Ben," Phil said quietly.

"Carlos," Alan answered.

"Carlos?" Phil questioned.

"Don't go there," I said loud enough for only Phil to hear.

Stu and I searched the entire hotel for Doug while Alan and Phil grabbed a table by the pool for all of us. "We looked everywhere, gym, casino, front desk nobody has seen Doug. He's not here," Stu recapped our unsuccessful search.

"He's fine. He's a grown man. Seriously Stu you got to calm down. Here have some juice," Phil said setting a glass of orange juice in front of Stu.

Stu took one look at the glass, leaned over, and threw up. Wiping his mouth with the napkin I handed him, he said, " I can't have juice right now."

"Are you okay?" I asked only continuing when Stu nodded. "I don't know Phil, it's very out of character for Doug to leave and not take his phone and not tell us where he was going."

"All right, listen let's track this thing. What's the last thing we remember doing last night?" Phil said picking up a pen to write on some folded up paper.

"Well the first thing was we were on the roof doing shots of Jaeger," Alan said. And with the word Jaeger Stu made a sound like he was going to throw up again.

I rubbed his back, " It's okay just take deep breaths."

Phil looked up at me and rolled his eyes before saying, "And then we ate dinner at the Palm."

"That's right and then we played craps at the Hard Rock and I think Doug was there," Alan said.

"That sounds right. No, no, no he definitely was."

"And then we yeah I don't know. I have no idea," I said throwing my hands up in defeat.

Stu agreed, "Yeah you know what guys I don't even remember going to dinner."

"I know fuck. I don't think I've ever been this hung over in my life," Phil said running a hand threw his hair.

"After the Hard Rock I blacked out. I was like emptiness," Aland said and then laughed.

"Yeah hilarious Alan," I said.

"That gets us up until 10PM. That gives us a twelve hour window when we could have lost Doug," Phil said.

"What's this?" Alan asked pulling something out of his pocket. Stu snatched it before I could see it.

"Oh my god that's my tooth! Why do you have that? What else do you have in your pockets?" Stu yelled.

"NO this is a good thing. Check your pockets. Charlie, check your purse. You have anything?" Phil said.

The only thing I had in my purse that didn't belong was a napkin, "This napkin is from Phoebe's Playground." I turned it over and read the message written in Sharpie, "Call me. (702) 555-1623. Love, Kat," completed with a lipstick kiss.

Phil began laughing, "Maybe Alan was on to something, you do like girls." I glared at him feeling my cheeks heat up.

"I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio 11:05 for $800. I am so fucked," Stu said putting his face in his hands.

"I have a valet ticket for Caesar's. Looks like we got in at 5:15AM," Alan said.

"Shit we drove last night?" Phil asked.

"Haha driving drunk classic," Alan said. Stu let out a fake laugh mocking Alan. "What's on your arm?" Aland then said poking the wristband on Phil's arm.

"What the fuck?" Phil asked.

"Jesus Phil you were in the hospital last night," Stu said concerned.

"I guess so, yeah."

"You okay?" Alan asked.

"Yeah Alan I'm fine."

"What the hell is going on?" Stu asked.

"Stu this is a good thing. We have a lead now." Phil said.

"A lead? What is this Phil, CSI? You're not smart enough to be Grissom but this is the right place though," I said.

Alan interrupted before Phil could retort to my comment, "Hey Stu, Charlie watch this." He took the baby's fist and moved it in a motion of jacking off.

Stu tired not to laugh and when he saw the disgusted look on my face he said in a warning tone, "Alan."

Although Alan didn't quite get the message, "You ever seen a baby do this?"

Stu shook his head, "Not cool."

Phil and I joined Stu and Alan waiting for the valet to get the car coffees in hand.

We were headed to the hospital to see if they could tell us anything. Who knows maybe that's where Doug is. "Hey Phil I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes," Alan said.

"Relax we'll be careful," Phil brushed it off.

Alan however persisted, "It's just my dad is crazy about that car and he left Doug in charge."

"Alan we have bigger problems here, Doug could be in the hospital. He could be hurt okay? Let's worry about the car later."

As Phil explained this Stu nudged me and pointed to the roof where a mattress was impaled on a lady statue and a crew was working to remove it. My eyes widened in shock. "Hey guys check it out?" Stu said getting their attention.

"Is that the mattress from Doug's room?" Alan asked.

"What the fuck?" Phil said before walking over to a guy who was packing up his car, "Hey what's going on here?"

"Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night," the guy answered.

"No shit."

"Yeah some guys just can't handle Vegas."

"It's going to be okay," Phil said walking back over to us and clapping Stu on the back who was looking pale. "How the hell did we manage that?"

Just then a cop car pulled up and the valet emerged for the driver's door, "There's you car officers."

"Oh god," Stu said. He kind of looked he might throw up again.

"Alright everybody act cool. Don't say a word, just get in and Alan began opening the door along with everyone else but then a thunk was heard and the baby started crying. "Oh my god, oh my god you just nailed the baby!" Stu said frantically.

"Are my glasses okay?" Alan asked while Stu tried to calm Carlos.

"You're glasses are fine dick," Stu stood up straight to glare at Alan.

**MEMO: Links for Charlie's outfit in profile :)**


	9. doctor, doctor give me the news

"This is so illegal," Stu said for the fiftieth time. We were stuck in traffic and while the rest of us were getting impatient Stu was worrying again or should I say still.

"Can't you see the fun part in anything?" Phil asked.

"Yeah we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with what I'm sure is a missing child in the backseat. Which part of this is fun?" Stu asked.

"I think the cop care part is pretty cool," Alan offered.

"I feel like we really are on CSI," I added.

"Thank you, see it is cool. Doug would love it. Come on!" Phil said as he hit the steering wheel. "Check this out," he flipped the lights on the top of the cop car and then drove up on the sidewalk.

"Oh no Phil don't do this," Stu pleaded with Phil but that was not going to stop him.

"Take it easy."

"Just try to call more attention to us."

"Attention, attention please move out of the way. I repeat please disperse," Phil announced over the speaker. I couldn't stop laughing. I just wish I was in the front seat to enjoy this more.

"Stop the car I want to get out. Stop the car I want to get out. Pull over," Stu said. This reminded me of our childhood. Stu would repeat over and over that we shouldn't be doing something. Not that it ever stopped us like this one time when we set fireworks off in a beehive. So not a good idea but luckily we all found out we aren't allergic to bees.

Using the speaker again Phil announced, "Ma'am in leopard dress, you have an amazing rack."

While Stu was yelling out the window, "Get off the sidewalk."

"I should have been a fucking cop!" Phil said.

"I don't know what is worse you being a teacher or you being a cop," I said still laughing.

Once we got to the hospital we somehow managed to find the doctor who treated Phil. He agreed to talk to us if we followed him to check up on a patient who was like an eighty-year-old man sitting in his underwear.

"Look I already told you, you came in here with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs, no big deal. However none of you could articulate how it happened," the doctor explained to us.

"Do you remember how many of us were here?" Phil asked.

"I don't' know I think it was just you guys, definitely no baby and one other guy."

"That's out guy! Is he okay?" Stu said a little too excitedly.

"Yeah just wacked out of his mind you all were. All right come forward and turn," the doctor instructed the old man before pulling his underwear down. I almost choked on my gum before quickly turning away as did Phil and Stu. We shared looks of horror, disgust, and disbelief.

"He could have at least warned us," I hissed.

"And that is exactly why I am a dentist and not a real doctor," Stu said. We only turned back around when the doctor said, "Okay Felix the nurse will be here in a minute. I'll see you after the weekend."

"Thank you doctor," Felix said.

"I never want to get old," I mumbled and then I noticed Alan was staring at the old man so I hit him, which broke his trace.

When the doctor turned to us he gave us a grossed out look and then began to wash his hands. "Guys I really got to go. I'm sorry I've got surgery up on the fourth floor."

Phil nodded in understanding, "No I know we just need a couple more minutes of your time," Phil pulled out a hundred dollar bill.

"Yeah tuck it right in there. I don't want to re-sterilize. Walk with me," the doctor said and we all followed him into the hallway. He walked up to the nurse's desk and grabbed a folder before walking down the hallway again. "Okay here we go patient name Phil Wenneck, 2:45AM arrival, minor concussion like I said bruising pretty standard."

"You mind if I take a look at that. I'm actually a doctor," Stu said reaching for the folder.

"Yeah you mentioned that several times last night but really you're just a dentist. Okay this is interesting you've blood work came in this morning. Wow they found ruffilin in your system," Phil looked at him blankly. "Ruffilin, ruffies, commonly known as the date rape drug."

"What are you saying I was raped last night?" Phil asked.

"Actually," the doctor started to rifle through the papers in the file. "No I don't think so but someone did slip you the drug. I'm not surprised you don't remember anything."

Alan laughed, Doc none of us can remember anything from last night, remember."

I rolled my eyes and said, "It does make sense. Do you mind if I take a look I am Phil's lawyer?" It was worth a try.

"Yeah you mentioned that last night too but if there's no real legal reason I can't let you see this." I knew he was right but I pouted anyway.

"Yeah but how could someone have drugged all of us?" Phil asked.

"Look I wouldn't worry about it now guys by now the stuff is out of your system. You're going to be fine," the doctor assured us.

"Wait please doctor is there anything else like something we may have been talking about or some place we were going?" Stu asked.

"Actually there was something you guys kept talking about some wedding," the doctor said.

"Yeah no shit our buddy Doug is getting married tomorrow," Stu replied.

"You know what I want that hundred back," Phil said.

"I wouldn't have given it to him in the first place," I said.

"No, no, no easy. You kept on talking about some wedding that you just came from at the Best Little Chapel. You guys kept on saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it. Okay I hope this helps fellas I really have to leave."

"Great we couldn't remember how Phil got his concussion but we couldn't stop talking about some shot gun wedding," I muttered. I had a bad feeling about this so I took a peek at my left ring finger just in case I hadn't noticed a ring there earlier. Yeah, nothing.

"Best Little Chapel, you know where that is?" Phil asked pulling out that piece of paper from earlier.

"I do, it's at the corner of get a map and fuck off. I'm a doctor not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself okay you're big boys and girls," the doctor said walking away.

We all looked at each other like 'what just happened?' He was actually more helpful than I thought he would be but then he turned all nasty. "That was rude," I muttered and then I yelled down the hall after him, "You're down the hall after him, "You're a prick!"


	10. say what?

"What about the baby?" Alan asked as we were getting out of the car in front of the Best Little Chapel. I was really nervous about this, I mean I was the girl here and who know which one of them I could have gotten married to. "Just leave him in the car we're only going to be five minutes," Phil said.

"We are not leaving a baby in the car," Stu protested.

"It'll be fine I cracked the window."

I hesitated by the car partly because I felt bad leaving the baby in there and mostly because I didn't want to find out the truth about why we had been here last night. "I'm going to wait here with the baby," I called over to them.

"Oh no you're not. You have to come with us. Don't make me drag you in there Charlie," Phil threatened.

"Okay, okay fine."

"What if they don't remember us?" Stu asked.

"Well from what the prick doctor was saying we were belligerently drunk last nigh, I think they will remember us just fine," I said.

"Well let's just find out," Phil said moving into the chapel once we found nobody in the lobby area. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Look at these guys! What happen you miss me? It's Eddie! You want more from me? You two decide to get married after all?" Eddie said looking from me to Stu and we just looked at each other in disbelief.

I felt myself blushing, "What?" I asked unsure of what I just heard. Phil was eyeing me with a grin on his face.

"Come on Eddie knows true love when he sees it. Some of these bastards come in here they don't know what they get themselves into but you two are meant to be. So how you doing beautiful lady?" Eddie answered taking my hand and kissing it. He then gave Phil a man hug while saying, "How are you my friend?" He then gave Alan a hug saying, "Look at this guy, you fucking crazy. What's going on?" Alan returned the hug excitedly as if he had known Eddie all his life. Finally Eddie stopped in front of Stu, "Listen let me tell you something, I've known some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life."

"Who, this guy?" Phil asked pointing at Stu.

"This guys is out of his mind. What's going on you fucking crazy mother fucker," Eddie said hugging Stu, who was not returning the hug. "I thought he was going to eat my dick. What happened no love for Eddie? You no hug me."

"No, no it's not that Eddie. It's just that we're having a hard time remembering what happened last night," Stu answered.

"Yeah was there a wedding here? Do you do weddings here?" Alan added.

"What are you cracking my balls? I love these guys. Zora, what are you doing? Bring my friends some tea and baklava. Come on, unbelievable man," Eddie said as the woman ran past us. "Beautiful ass, no fucking brain but this is Vegas. If you want intimacy forget about it all you going to get is sex. That's it here man, no problem for me though. You want some chicks? I can get you beautiful chick from eastern block, no questions asked. Clean, tight, the tits like that, the nipple like that," Eddie said making hand gestures all the while. He was a talker that's for sure.

"Eddie okay obviously we were here last night and we are looking for our friend Doug do you remember him?" Phil asked.

"Yeah small guy who look like a monkey," Eddie confirmed.

"Yeah," Alan chimed in excitedly.

"You saw him?" Stu asked.

"Of course."

"Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?"

"You don't remember nothing?" Eddie asked and then led us to the lobby. He then pulled out a white photo album with a heart on the front.

"Congratulation Alan you got married!" I said as we flipped through the pages. Then we came across a picture of Stu and I totally making out tongue included. "Oh god," was all I could say. Of course I end up kissing Stu something I've wanted to do for awhile now and I was too fucked up to remember it.

"This can't be happening," Stu muttered. I reached up touching my fingers to my lips.

"I'll tell you one thing you both look seriously happy here," Phil said pointing at the picture and grinning at me.

"That's it my life's over," Stu was pacing behind us his hands behind his neck.

I turned to look at him," Excuse me, your life is over just because you kissed me. Oh that's nice, thank a lot Stu."

He stopped to look at me, "Charlie, I love Melissa."

"Stu look it's okay, shit happens Melissa's not going to know anything about this. This never happened okay?" Phil said looking at the both of us and then turned his attention back to Eddie who was pulling things out of a box with Alan and his new wife's picture on them.

Well now I was just pissed, "Tell me something Stu what does she have that I don't? Because I know I'm smarter, funnier, prettier, and sure as hell nicer than she is."

"I don't' know what you area getting at but this is not the time for it Charlie," Stu replied studying me closely.

"Her name is Jade?" I heard Phil ask.

This was going to happen now or maybe never at all, "This may not be the best time

And certainly not how I wanted to tell you this but Stu I'm in love with you but you're in love with that bitch," I said.

"That explains the baby. Wait what did you just say?" Phil asked.

"What? You were going to tell him last night anyway," I shrugged as everyone looked at me in shock.

"Seriously we need to deal with that later alright? Eddie here's the deal, we need to get this marriage annulled immediately. Do you do annulments?" Phil said taking charge.

"Of course I do annulments, it breaks my heart. It's going to make me very sad but it's no problem. I'll make a very good price for you; I can't do it with just him though. I need the chick, both parties," Eddie explained.

"Wait who said I want to get this annulled. You never even asked me, I haven't even met her. Maybe she's really nice and we will really like each other," Alan said.

Phil was right for once this was not the time to be self-indulgent we had bigger problems. "Ala you're dad is not going to be happy with us though," I said trying to reason with him.

"No he is going to be happy. He said nobody would ever want to me," Alan said happily.

"Alright whatever she at least probably knows where Doug is," Phil said.

"Awesome," Stu said in a dry tone.

"Okay uhh we need her address. She must have filled out some paper work right,"

Phil said.

"Of course, hey excuse me. What is the matter with you? Go and get the paper work. I spend my life waiting for you come on," he yelled at the woman.

"Charlie I don't know what to say," Stu said laying a hand on my arm.

"It's okay not saying anything said everything loud and clear," I said as I shook his hand off and headed out to check on the baby.


	11. we're going to die

"Hey so what about my dad's car?" I could hear Alan ask as they walked toward the car carrying two boxes of shit we apparently ordered last night. I was leaning against the passenger door willing myself to stop crying and hoping to collect myself before everyone got back in the car.

"I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back," Phil reassured and opened the trunk.

"Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it," Stu said.

"Torch it, who are you?" Phil asked.

"I don't know Phil apparently I'm a crazy, wild bastard. This situation is completely fucked, this mug," Stu paused to throw a mug on the ground. He grabbed the hat from Alan's head and threw it on the ground before continuing, "This hat, this car, it's all evidence of a night that never happened. That's why we're torching all of it."

"Whoa,whoa, whoa I'm a school teacher, I got a family. I'm all for secrecy but we're not going to torch a fucking cop car," Phil tried to reason with Stu.

"Yeah and whether you want to believe it or not it all did happen because we still can't find Doug," I said breaking my silence.

"Fine I'll do it," Stu said.

"Can I help?" Alan asked.

"Yeah thanks."

"And how exactly are you guys going to do that?" Phil asked."

"Well it's easy. You just pour kerosene over a ferret, light it on both end, and you just put it in. They're attracted to gas lines and uh yeah," Alan explained.

"What a ferret?" Stu questioned as Phil and I exchanged skeptical looks.

"Yeah or a tamed raccoon but it's a lot of trouble."

"Where do you come with this stuff?" I questioned.

"What does it matter if it's tamed or not?" Stu asked. Clearly this was distracting all of us for the moment.

"Yeah because if it's untamed it won't take the kerosene as well." Then somebody's phone began to ring.

"Shit, is it Doug?" Phil asked. I watched as the three of them checked their pockets. "Shouldn't you know what your ring tone sounds like?" I questioned although nobody was listening.

"I don't have it," Alan said well because he doesn't even have a cell phone.

"It's Doug, it's Doug," Phil was freaking out.

"Ah shit, it's Melissa," Stu said.

"Perfect," I said bitterly and Stu shot me a glare.

"Don't answer it," Phil said walking toward the driver's door and got in. I did the same.

"I have to, she has called twice already."

"Hey how are doing? You okay?" Phil asked his voice filled with concern.

"Not so great," I said.

"Don't worry about it right now, once we find Doug. We'll figure something out or maybe he'll come around," Phil said confidently. "I'm glad one of us thinks there's a chance."

"It was really fun actually kind of quiet. It was a good time. We learned all kinds of aveno factoids," Stu said into the phone as he got in the backseat.

"It was would be so cool if I could breast feed, you know," Alan said leaning as far as he could toward the front. Phil and I exchanged scared looks.

"Well listen we're about to go for a tractor ride, so I should probably get going," Stu said. Just then a yellow sports car came screeching to a stop behind us and two Asian men came toward the cop car with baseball bats.

"What the fuck?" Phil said.

"It's so pretty," Stu murmured.

"Let's go,out of the car!" the man yelled.

"Start the car Phil! Let's get out of here," I yelled looking at Phil.

"I'm trying to," Phil responded.

"They just started the tractor, I think it backfired," Stu said.

"Where is he?" the Asian man asked looking angry.

"Hey easy, easy I think we're looking for the same guy okay?" Phil said. The man hit the windshield with his bat which caused the baby to start crying. Alan began trying to calm the baby down.

"Why would there be a baby. We're at a winery, that was a goat," Stu said.

"Where is he?" the man repeated.

"I don't know what you are talking about!" Phil yelled.

"Oh my god we are going to die," I moaned.

"Can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here," Stu said forcefully.

"I'm trying to but we're fucking blocked," Phil yelled back at Stu.

"Hey there's a baby on board," Alan said.

"Get out of the car," the man demanded.

"It's a baby goat," Stu said as Eddie came out of the front door of the chapel.

"Why you making trouble in front of my business, man. Go away from here now," Eddie yelled.

"Get out of the car," the man said once again but this time he pulled a gun out of his waistband.

"Phil he's got a gun!" Alan said panicking.

"No shit he's got a gun," Phil responded.

"I got to call you back, bye," Stu said finally hanging up on that bitch.

I watched scared to death as Eddie pulled out a gun and shots were fired. "Fuck. Shit," Phil said what I was thinking but was too shocked to get out.

"They shot Eddie! Go, go, go!" Stu said as Phil finally managed to get the car started shooting out of the parking lot in reverse, crashing into and knocking over a bus stop in the process.

"Okay that was some sick shit," Phil said as I remembered that I should probably breath.

"Who were those guys?" Alan asked.

"We're alive, we didn't die," I mumbled to myself.

"We're okay, Everything's going to be okay alright," Stu tried to calm the still crying baby. "What the fuck is going on?" he then screeched.

"I have no idea," Phil said as Stu's phone began to ring again. "Why don't you just let that one go to voice mail."

"Ahahaha! That's a fake laugh by the way," Stu said sarcastically.

"It's got Ted Dansen and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor," Alan was rambling on about something.

"Shut up Alan. What room was it again?" Stu said.

"What the hell is he talking about anyway?" I wondered aloud.

"It's 825 and It doesn't really matter," Phil answered both of our questions.

We saw a blond woman talking on her cell phone, "I found him, I'll call you back," she then ran up to us. "Thank god he was with his father. I was freaking out. I missed you sweetie," she said taking the baby from Alan cuddling him against her. "And I missed you," she said then proceeded to kiss Alan. "What the hell happened to you guys?"

"Actually we were hoping you could tell us," Phil said.

"What do you mean? I got up this morning and I went to get you guys all coffee. I came back and you were all gone. Why you being so quiet?"

"We're not being quiet," Stu said playing along.

She laughed before saying, "I got to feed Tyler so come inside you guys."

"You hear that the baby's name is Tyler," Alan said once she was inside the apartment.

"Yeah I thought he looked more like a Carlos too bud," Phil said.

"Totally," I agreed.


	12. arresting developments

"Okay what's up? You guys are acting weird," Jade said coming out of the kitchen and handing a glass of water to Stu."

"Look it's Jade, right?" Phil asked.

"Very funny Phil," she replied.

"Right Jade uhh you remember our friend Doug?"

"Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding," she said while rocking Tyler.

"Exactly well we can't find him and were getting a little worried," Phil finally said.

"Oh my god that is so Doug," she said then began to laugh. That's when Stu spit out his drink all over poor little Tyler. "Oh I'm going to clean him off. It's okay Uncle Stu didn't mean it," she said trying to calm the now crying baby and hurrying to the bedroom.

"That is so not Doug at all, like she would know," I said.

"Oh my god!" Stu exclaimed ignoring me.

"What the fuck man. You got to hold it together," Phil said.

"Holy Shit."

"She is super hot. We should be super proud of Alan here," Phil said clapping a hand on Alan's shoulder.

"She is wearing my grandmother's ring," Stu said.

"What?" Phil and I said at the same time.

"The ring I'm going to give Melissa. you remember my grandmother's Holocaust ring," Stu explained.

"Fuck," Phil groaned.

"She's wearing it."

"How the hell did that happen? Anything is better than me having it right?" I said sarcastically.

"If you don't recall what this day has taught us, we don't remember anything from last night," Stu shot didn't get to continue this arguement and Phil looked relieved about that.

"He's okay," Jade said walking back into the room.

"Oh good," Phil said.

"He is just hungry, he's fine," she replied sitting in a plush chair across from us. She then proceed to pull her shirt down to breast feed Tyler, which is totally fine but a warning would have nice.

"Good. About last night you remember the last time you saw Doug?" Phil asked.

"Um I haven't seen him since the wedding."

"The wedding, okay great. We can't remember, what time was that?"

"Well it was I guess it was around one because I had to go back to work and finish my shift and when I got out I headed over to the the hotel with Tyler," she explained.

"And was Doug there?"  
"I didn't see Doug you guys were passed out the room was a wreck. So I just curled up next to Alan," she said. Phil looked at Alan with a grin and I had to try very hard not to laugh.

Stu raised his hand before asking, "I got a question you said when your shift ended does that mean you're a nurse or a black jack dealer?"

"You know this, I'm a stripper. Well technically I'm an escort but stripping is a great way to meet the clients," she replied.

"Smart," Phil said.

"Savvy," Stu commented.

"But that's all in the past now that I married a successful salesman," Jade said looking at Alan. We all turned to look at Alan.

"What do you do anyway?" I asked.

"I sell things on ebay," Alan said.

Suddenly the door flew open and a male and female police officers were pointing guns at us. "Las Vegas Police, Freeze," they yelled.

"Hey, hey, hey," Phil said. We all held our hands up and the baby began bawling.

"Shut that baby up," the police man yelled.

"So after they take their mug shots they wait down here to be interviewed byt the arresting officer. Trust me kids you do not want to be sitting on these benches. We call this place loserville. Follow me," a police officer was giving a group of kids a tour of the station. Like he said we were waiting on a bench for the officers to take us in to interrogate us. For further punishment we were all handcuffed together and of course I was next to Stu.

Before the group of kids walked away a boy took out his phone and took a picture of Alan. Alan for reason thought it would be a good idea to kick the phone out of the kid's hand.

Finally Phil said he was going to call Tracy to let her know what's going on. "Hey Tracy, hey it's Phil."

"I should be the one talking to Tracy," I said.

"I agree," Stu said.

"We are at the spa in the hotel," Phil continued.

"Great, I should have known he would lie," I said realizing I couldn't pout properly not being able to cross my arms.

"Um we made a deal no talking to girlfriends or wives. We're all calling each others. She's not here actually she went shopping."

"I wish that's what I was doing right now," I mumbled.

"You're not going to believe this. We got comped an extra night at the hotel. Yeah it's sweet, it's ridiculous, really out of control. There's room service and a butler, just the works. So we're thinking of spending the night here and coming back totally relaxed in the morning," Phil was such a liar and good at it too. It scares me a bit. "Yeah that's why we'll get up real early and we'll be back inn plenty of time."

"Wenneck, Price, Garner, Shea," the police officer called us for our turn.

"Okay Trace got to go talk to you later," Phil said and hung up the phone.

"Come on, come on. Chop, chop," the police officer urged us.

"I can't believe you lied to her," I hissed.

"That's why I didn't want you talking to her," Phil replied.

"Spin around," Stu told Alan. Unfortunately he spun the wrong way so now we were more tangled than before. "God damn it," Stu muttered.

"Wait a second," Phil said.

"We'll go over," Stu said climbing over their arms and I followed.

"There we go," Phil said dragging Alan behind us.

"Ladies and gentlemen we've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found your Mercedes," the policeman said as he entered the room. The big black lady officer was already sitting in the room staring us down.

"That's a great news," Stu said.

"It's over in impound right now. We picked it up at 5AM this morning parked in middle of Las Vegas Boulevard."

"Huh, that's weird," Phil commented.

"Yeah that is weird. We also found this note couldn't find a meter but here's 4 bucks," the policeman said. I winced this was going to be hard to get out of but if anyone could get us out of here it is me being a lawyer and all.

"The bad news is we can't get you in front of a judge until Friday morning."

"Uh no that's just impossible. We need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding," Phil said.

"As our legal consultant Monday is unacceptable. Either you get us in today or you have to let us go. We can come back Monday," I said putting my lawyer game face on.

"We don't have to do anything. You stole a police car," the policeman replied.

"We didn't steal anything, we found it," Stu said. I shot him a 'please shut up' look.

"I think we deserve an award or something," Alan added. I took a deep breath of course they would make it harder for me.

"I see assholes like you everyday," the policeman said.

"Every fucking day," the women added.

"Let's go to Vegas and we'll all get drunk," they continued to mock us.

"Whoo,whoo hoo!" the women yelled.

"Let's steal a cop car because it'll be really fucking funny."

"Yeah you think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here," the women said taking on her serious demeanor again.

"Not up in here!" the man yelled. When the police are actually yelling at you for doing something wrong and not your client this is so much scarier. That's when it came to me! I leaned over and whispered to Phil my idea of how to get out of this. He was the only one who could make it work.

"Um sir if I may I'm assuming that cop car belongs to one of you?" Phil started.

"Yeah," the policeman said skeptically.

"Look I'm not a cop, I'm no hero. I'm a school teacher but if on of my kids went missing on a field trip that looks really bad on me," Phil said.

"What are you getting at?" the policeman asked.

"Yeah Phil what are you getting at?" Stu said but looked at me. He knew it had something to with this, a smirk was visible on my face but only for a second.

"No one wants to look bad. We've got to get to a wedding and you guys don't need people talking about the obnoxious tourist borrowing your cop car last night. Look the point is I think we can work out a deal discreetly of course. What do you say?" Phil finished.

The women wrote something on her clip board then man nodded and began to laugh. "Let me ask you a question do any of you have a heart condition or anything like that?" he asked.

Phil looked at us and we were all shaking our heads, "Uh nope."


	13. hugs not drugs

**I know it's been waaay too long since I posted. I had a great summer & I was too busy to post...okay & totally unmotivated. Thanks for reading & all your awesome messages. My hiatus is officially over! :)**

"Okay kids you're in for a real treat today these gentlemen and lady have kindly volunteered to demonstrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect," the officer explained to the classroom of kids."

"Wait a sec, what?"Phil asked as his and Stu's faces filled with panic and well as you can imagine Alan was clueless. As for me, I was in denial.  
"Shut up Phil," I hissed. He wasn't really going to use a stun gun on us.

The officer ignored us and continued, "For the ladies who might get out of hand, we use a lower wattage stun gun like so." I felt a searing pain in my side and as clutched at it I couldn't do anything to keep from falling over. I heard somebody gasp and somebody else say my name but I couldn't have told you who.

"The are two ways to use a stun gun up close and personal," the officer said and in a matter of seconds Stu was on the ground next to me, "Or you can shoot it from a distance. Now I need some volunteers who wants to come up and do some shooting?"

I forgot all about being mad at Stu for the time being at least, "Are you alright?" I asked. I hated the look of pain on his face and I would have gotten zapped myself all over again to take it away.

"Not really but what about you?" He groaned in response.

"That really fucking hurt," I admitted.

"You don't really want to do this," I heard Phil pleading with a girl half his size.

"You can do this just focus," the police officer told her.

"Don't listen to this maniac, let's think this through." Yeah okay if I got tazered so was Phil.  
"Finish him! Yeah right in the nuts," and he wasn't kidding she got him right in the balls. "Beautiful. Well done give her a round of applause, good job. Hey we got one more charge anybody else want to do some shooting. How about you big man? Come up here." I watched as the boy Alan yelled at earlier came to get his revenge. "Okay same instructions just point, aim, And shoot. There you go, that's the stuff. I like your intensity. Eye of the tiger you're holding 50,000 volts little man don't be afraid to ride the lightening."

I would have been afraid of Alan with the way he was creepily staring down the boy which is why i guess the kid got him in face. "In the face,in the FACE! He's still up. Everybody relax, take it easy. We've seen it before he just needs a little extra zap. There we go some of these big boys you gotta give them two shots." Stu and I exchanged looks. "Alright kids who wants to get their fingerprints done come on let's go." The officers led the kids out leaving us on our own to get up off the floor.

"Fuck those guys. You hear me? That was bullshit I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car," Stu was pacing in front of us. We were at the junkyard waiting for our car.

"They let us go, who cares? From a lawyer's point of view we can't do anything right Charlie?" Phil asked.

I was sitting on the porch next to him leaning against the beam, I hurt all over. "He's right. They should have thrown our asses in jail but they didn't. Get over it," I said with a shrug.

"You can't just do that though. You can't just taz people because you think it's funny. That's police brutality," Stus took a deep breath to calm down a bit. "I'm getting a soda you guys want anything?"

"Sure," I said, while the others declined.

"That man just doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ how can you be so in love with him?" Phil asked.

I glared at him and said "Can we please not talk about that right now?"

Phil looked over, "Alan you okay?" "I'm just worried. What if something happened to Doug, something bad?" he answered.

"I'm sure he's fine Alan," I tried to reassure him. "Oh come on you can't think like that," Phil said.

"What if he's dead. I can't afford to lose anybody close to me again. It hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died."  
"Oh I'm sorry how did he die?" Phil asked in concern.

"World War II."

Phil and I exchanged looks like what the hell. "Oh he died in battle?"

"No he was skiing in Vermont, just during World War II."

"Alan, Doug is fine."

"Then why hasn't he called?"

"I don't know but we're going to figure it out. Charlie why don't you give Alan a hug?"

I would have felt really bad if I hadn't done it and trust me it was plenty awkward. "Tell you another thing six to one odds our car is beat to shit," Stu said coming around the corner. I backed away from Alan and grabbed my coke from Stu hand.

"Stu, not now," Phil said.

"No seriously how much you want to bet it's fucked up beyond all recognition."

"That's enough. Look Alan is seriously worried let's not freak him out anymore," Phil whispered. Stu looked to me and I nodded in confirmation.

"Sorry Alan. You know what we'll search the car for clues and everything is going to be okay," Stu said giving Alan a pat on the shoulder. We could hear a car coming toward us. "Oh shit I can't even look right now," Stu said covering his eyes.

"Just tells me what it looks like Charlie," Phil said turning around.

"Not looking, not looking," Stu continued.

"Oh please," I rolled my eyes. As long as it worked I didn't care, "Well actually it's totally fine," I said in surprise.

"Thank god, see it's going to be alright," Phil told Alan.

Once we got in the car we began searching high and low for anything that could tell us what happened last night. "Anything?" Phil asked as he drove.

"A cigar with Charlie's lipstick on it," Stu said.

"Ew I smoked a cigar," I mumbled before I caught Phil's amused look in my direction.

"How do you know it's Charlie's?" Phil asked.

"I don't know. I just do," Stu said flustered which placed Phil's famous smirk on his face.

Alan pulled a shoe out from under the driver's seat, "I found a black shoe."

"Are they women's shoes?" Phil asked as Alan handed them up front to Stu.

"I don't know," Alan said at the same time as I said, "I don't think so."

"Who's are these?" Phil asked as if we would actually know.

"It's a men's size six," Stu annouced.

"That's weird," Phil said and made a face.

"What's this, snake skin?" Alan asked.

"That's disgusting!" I groaned leaning as far way as possible.

"Oh come on ew!" Stu yelled when it landed on his shoulder.

"That's a used condom, Alan!" Phil shouted. "Oh god," Stu looked even more freaked out than before as he flipped it off his shoulder and back at Alan.  
"I swear I will kill someone if that touches me!" I shrieked but I have to admit this was entertaining. Alan threw it back up front and it landed on Phil's shoulder this time.

"Get that out of the car. Hey come on I'm getting jizz on me," Phil yelled as he rolled down the window. "Fuck oh my god. Alright what the fuck man. We gotta get this shit together guys," Phil pulled the car over.

"Yeah you keep saying that but look at who is freaking out right now," I said and I was going to keep on laying into him if Alan hadn't interupted.  
"What was that?" he asked. That's when we heard the banging coming from the trunk.

"It's in the trunk, Doug's in the trunk! Holy Shit!" Stu yelled as we all scrambled out of the car.

"Oh shit!" Phil said fumbling around with the keys. I grabbed them locating the right key.

"Open it! Open it!" Stu frantically yelled. That's whent he completely unexpected happened. I jumped behind Phil and a little naked Asian man jumped on Phil. I ran for coverI wasn't about to get beat with a crow bar by a naked Asian.

"Please Stop!" Phil said shoving him off. The Asian man started beating Stu and once he was on the ground, he hit Phil again taking him out before cornering Alan.

"I'm with you, I'm with you," Alan pleaded.

"You gonna fuck wit me?" the naked Asian asked twirling the crow bar in his hands.

"Nobody's going to fuck with you. I'm on your side, I hate godzilla! I hate him too. He destroys cities, please this isn't your fault. I'll give you some pants" Alan said. What he was talking about I'm still don't understand. The Asian threw the crow bar at Alan anyway and took off running.

"What the fuck was that?" Phil said rolling over.

"I don't know. Are you guys okay?" I asked kneeling over Stu.

"I have internal bleeding somebody call 911!" Stu whined as I helped him sit up.

"That was some fucked up shit. Who was that guy. He didn't get you, did he Charlie? He was so mean," Phil was also whining.

"No I'm fine but I'd like to know what that was all about too," I answered.

"Guys there's something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof before we went out I slipped something in our jagermeister," Alan blurted out in a rush. "What?" Phil asked.

"What the fuck did you do?" I turned to Alan with fire in my eyes.

"I'm sorry I fudged up guys!"

"You drugged up?" Stu asked. This could turn ugly real quick.

"No I didn't drug you. I was told it was ecstasy!" Alan attempted to defend himself.

"And that's not drugging us how?" I wondered aloud.

"Who told you it was ecstasy?" Phil wanted to know.

"The guy I bought it from at the liquor store."

"Why would you give us ecstasy?" Stu then asked.

"Because I wanted you guys to have a good time and I knew you wouldn't take it. Just one hit each, I used to do three hits a night."

"Well that explains a lot," I quipped.

"But it wasn't ecstasy Alan, it was ruffies," Stu was getting more worked up.

"Are you implying that ecstasy would have been better than ruffies?" I asked looking at Stu skeptically.

"you think I knew that Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like he was a real straight shooter."

"Oh I'm sorry the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy," Stu said.

"Just calm down," Phil broke in.

"You fucking calm down. He drugged us, I lost a tooth, and he married a whore!" Stu pointed out.

"How dare you? She's a nice lady!" Alan defended his new wife.

"You're a fucking moron," Stu shot back. "You're language is offensive."

"Fuck you."

"His language is the least of our problems right besides he's right," I commented and looked at Phil he seemed to be the man with plan. Notice I didn't say good plans.

"Alright let's just take a deep breath. Alright seriously this is a good thing. At least we know it's not some stranger who drugged us for God know what reason," Phil said pointing out the bright side. When I say bright side I mean murky at best.

"Yeah," Alan agreed.

"Yeah you're right. It's totally a good thing we're so much better off now. Here's something I'd like to remind you of our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch somewhere right now with a meth head butt fucking his corpse," Stu said cynically.

"I was going to agree with you until that last part which just creeped me out," I offered.

"Yeah that's highly unlikely," Alan said.

"It's true," Stu insisted.

"That's not going to help. Let's get out shit together guys. Let's go back to the hotel. I'm gonna make a few calls. Maybe Doug's back at the hotel, maybe he's asleep. Come on let's go," Phil instructed.

Stu got up and then helped me up. "A little help Stu?" Alan asked.

"Shut up," Stu said opening the door of the car and hitting Alan in the head with it. "Oh god are you okay? Alan I'm so sorry!" Stu said bending down to check if he was alright.

"Charlie can I have another hug?" Alan asked looking up at me.

"Hell no," I said before sliding into the car.


	14. oh lord

"Wait guys, guys what about the tiger? What if he got out?" Alan asked as we walked toward the suite.  
Phil stopped right in front of the door and since I wasn't really paying attention I ran into Stu. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"Oh fuck I keep forgetting about the god damn tiger. How the fuck did it get in there?" Phil asked.

"I dont' know because I don't remember," Stu answered loudly.

"Shh Stu, Stu keep it down."

"That's one of the side effects of ruffies is memory loss," Alan chimed in.

"Really because I wasn't aware of that. Is that why last night is a complete fucking nightmare of a mystery? Fascinating!" I said while glaring at Alan.

"You are literally too stupid to insult," Stu said.

"Thank you," Alan replied.

I threw my hands up in disbelief because there were just nothing I could say to that. "Hey," Phil whispered-yelled to get our attention and then opened the door slowly. "Come on. Did we leave on the music?"

I shook my head and Stu replied, "No."

"Hey shh don't make any sudden movements," Phil instructed when Alan closed the door kinda loudly. As we turned the corner Phil ran right into a large black man causing us all to scream. "Who the hell are you?"

"Who the hell are you?" the man asked.

"Quiet, quiet!" I voice came from the living room.

"Mike Tyson?" Phil asked in disbelief.

"Why is he in our living room?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Shh this is my favorite part coming up right now," Mike Tyson said air drumming to the Phil Colins song playing. Then he began singing along, "And I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Sing the chorus line guys."

Only Alan joined in singing, "Oh lord."

"Well I've been waiting for this moment all my life. One more time guys," Mike Tyson continued. I don't know I feel like maybe I should be calling him Mr. Tyson to more respectful. Regardless Mike fucking Tyson punched Alan in the face. We all rushed toward Alan who is now on the ground.

"Oh geeze," Phil said swiping the hair out of Alan's face and looked up at Mike, I mean Mr. Tyson. "Why did you do that?"

"Mr. Tyson would like to know why his tiger is in your bathroom," the body guard asked instead. Phil stood up, "Hold on, hold on that was completely unnecessary. I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes that was ..." He was then interrupted by the body guard.

"Explain."

"Phil he just punched Alan out & you want to talk about how you are a huge fan. Listen we aren't sure how the tiger got here either but I'm sure it was an accident. We don't want it here anymore than you do and we don't want you to have punch anyone else," I said taking over in lawyer mode. I didn't want to think about work this weekend but desperate time call for desperate measures.

"Look we were drunk last night we have no memory of what happened," Phil added.

"It's true we got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend. And if you want to kill us just go right ahead because I don't even care anymore," Stu then chimed in unfortunately.

"Stu what are you talking about?" Phil asked as my jaw dropped.

"What? I don't care."

"Well speak for your fucking self," I said. You bet I was back to being made at him.

"Why the fuck would you want to steal his tiger?" the body guard asked and was looking at us like were insane.

"We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up," Phil replied.

"I don't believe these guys," Mr. Tyson said.

"Wait h-how did you guys find us?" Phil then asked.

"One of you dropped your jacket, found it in the tiger's cage this morning," the body guard explained.

"That's Doug's!" Stu said.

"Yeah uh Doug's his wallet and room key are in there."

"That's our missing friend," Phil said.

"Now we are getting somewhere," I said.

"I dont' give a fuck," the body guard said in response.

"Or not."

"Did you guys see him?" Stu wanted to know.

"I was fast asleep," Mr. Tyson said.

"Yeah 'cause if he was up that shit wouldn't have gone down so smoothly," the body guard said. Mr. Tyson mumbled something about Omar. I had a feeling something bad happened to him.

"What happened to Omar?" Phil just had to ask.

"Don't worry about Omar he ain't with us no more," Mr. Tyson.

"Okay I know this is asking a lot but is there anyway we could just go to your house look around to see if there's any clues for our friend?" Phil asked.

"Absolutely how else do you think we are going to get the tiger back anyway?" the body guard asked heading toward the door.

"I'm sorry?"

"We're not putting it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. What you think about forty minutes?"

"Don't make me come back for him," Mr. Tyson said before they closed the door behind them.

"That was Mike Tyson," Stu whispered to Phil.

"Yeah no shit that was Mike Tyson," Phil answered.

"You told Mike Tyson that he could fucking kill us, dumb ass," I said glaring at Stu. Before he could answer we heard a groan coming from Alan.

"Buddy are you okay?" Phil asked him. Now time to make a plan.

"This does not seem fair," Stu whined.

"Rock, paper, scissors nothing more fair," Phil replied.

"I said I would do it but you won't let me," I whined.

"No and that's final. Alan should do it," Stu said sounding like a father.

"Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson. Come on for Doug," Phil said.

"Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper," Stu asked Alan.

"Tigers love pepper, they eat cinnamon." I still don't understand where Alan comes up with this shit.

"Phil just do it, you should do it."

"I would but you lost, it wouldn't be right."

"Okay I jammed five ruffies in there just got in there and throw it into him," Alan said handing Stu the steak.

"Fine," Stu said and walked toward the bathroom.

"Make sure he eats the whole thing," Phil called after him.

"I don't understand why I couldn't have done it," I mumbled. We heard a girlish scream from the bathroom and Stu emerged looking freaked out.

"What do we do now?" Stu asked.

"We wait," Phil answered.

Stu was sitting at the piano singing some song he made up as the rest of us relaxed at least for a few minutes. "What do tigers dreams of when they take a little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Hallie Barry in her catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then were gonna find our best friend Doug. And then were gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug Doug Oh Doug Doug Dougie Doug Doug but if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweekers...then were shit out of luck."

I got up and sat next to Stu. "What?" he asked looking confused.

"I don't know, I guess we should talk. I just wanted to say sorry about," I started to say but he interrupted me.

"No, don't be sorry. Listen if things were different I'd love to be with you Charlie but I'm with Melissa. I can't just dump her, we have been together for three years," he explained.

My heart did a little jump when he said he would love to be with me. I might have even accepted this apology if he weren't picking her over me. "But that's just the thing you can do whatever you want because you have this thing called free will. She has you brainwashed thinking that you have to do what she says all the time. Which is just ridiculous. You don't see anything wrong at all with the fact that you had to lie to be here?" I asked.

"Well yeah but I love her. I don't want to hurt her."

"I know your intentions are good. I've never doubted that but she has hurt you and that's not right. Just know you have other options. When we fix all this shit, think about what it is you really want and if you really find it in Melissa."

"By the way we're all going to die," Stu said as he and Alan rolled a luggage cart down the hall. Our luggage being the tiger of course. "Watch it's head, that's his nose." Alan should not be in charge of that thing. We got into the elevator and Stu was mumbling, "Please don't stop. Oh god damn it!"

"Gonna beat you, oh you won again," a dad and a boy got in, followed by a mom and a girl. "Rough night fellas?" the dad asked.

"Hey sweetie stay close to mama," the mom said pulling the girl closer. Luckily I was in the corner with my sunglasses on but that didn't stop the mom from looking at me in disgust. Why should it be my job to keep them in line? I'm not their mother.

"What's this?" the boy said poking at the sheet covering the tiger.

"Whoa whoa take it easy little man. You don't want to be touching that," Phil said.

"Hey partner that's not your property. So what you guys got under there?" the dad asked.

"Just a bunch of mind your own business," Phil shot back. Nice one except they probably think there is a dead body under there instead of a drugged tiger.

"He's correct my fault."

"Easy Phil, you okay?" Stu asked.

"Yeah can't we just ride an elevator. What is this jeopardy? What the fuck is this bullshit?"

"Please with the language," the dad said. See this is why Phil will never be my children's teacher.  
"Yes I fully agree," Alan said.


	15. really?

"Get in the fucking car! What are you waiting for?" Phil said from the driver's seat.

"Phil there's not enough room for all of us. Maybe I should just stay here and wait," I explained.

"Considering we already lost one of our best friends, I don't think it would be a good idea for us to split up," Stu pointed out.

"Oh good then she can sit on your lap," Phil said as if that settled the problem.

"I don't know if that's a good idea," I said uncomfortably looking at Stu.

"Do you have a better one?"

"No it's fine Charlie. I'd rather have you here," Stu said getting in and motioning me to follow him into the car.

"Alright."

The car was awkwardly silent and I was trying my best not to be fidgety. Is that a even a word? See I'm just thinking stupid things to distract myself. "You guys when is the next Hayley's comet?" Alan asked suddenly.

"Who cares man," Phil said.

"Stu?"

"I don't think it's for another 60 years," Stu answered.

"So it's not tonight, right?"

"No I don't think so."

"But you don't know for sure I have this cousin Marcus who saw one and he said it blew his mind. I wanna make sure I never ever miss out on that Haley's comet so if you guys know if there's going to be one," Alan babbled on. While I was wishing he would just shut up, a growl ripped across the car.

"Oh Shit," Stu said. The tiger woke up with a furry vengeance and we all freaked out to say the least. I can't even tell all the expletives that came out of mouths as Phil swerved all over the place. The car came to a stop and Phil fell out of the car trying to get out quickly as Stu pushed me out in front of him.

"Stu, Charlie it got me," Phil said. Sure enough there were claw marks on his neck.

"You got clawed, you're bleeding," Stu stated the obvious.

"I can't do it," Alan said taking his hand off the steering wheel.

I let out a sigh and mumbled, "This is a nightmare." We decided the best way to not get killed by the tiger was to push the car to Mr. Tyson house. Phil, Stu, and I were pushing from the back and Alan was supposed to be steering the car.

"Get your fucking hand back in there and steer the car," Phil yelled.

"I'm too nervous," Alan whined.

"Alan we need you buddy, this is your time shine okay?" Stu encouraged him.

"Ridiculous, he is such a man-child and I thought Phil was bad," I muttered.

"Okay yeah. Daddy's going to kill me," Alan answered.

"That's it," Stu said.

"Just shut up," Phil said under his breath I'm sure it was directed toward me, "That's good keep it straight."

We stood at the door after ringing the doorbell. The body guard answered, "You're late."

"Whatever man we had to push it the last mile," Phil responded.

"Come on in Mike's got something he wants to show you."

"That thing is out of control man. Seriously you got to put it down," Phil said walking in the door.

"We're in Mike Tyson's house," Stu said nudging me excitedly.

"When we got back we took a look at the security cameras," Mr. Tyson said as we sat on the couch. The TV showed us walking or should I say stumbling across the front lawn.

"Oh it's Doug!" Stu said.

"Oh thank god he's alive," Phil said leaning back into the couch.

"That's our buddy. That's who we have been missing. This is great," Stu carried on.

"We're all best friends," Alan said proudly.

"That's arguable," I chimed in.

"Why don't you just pay attention. I don't have all night," Mr. Tyson.

"Yeah of course, of course," Phil said. The screen showed the pool and Alan getting ready to pee in it.

"That's me I'm on TV. I've never been on TV before," Alan said.

"Really, really Alan," Phil questioned.

"Yeah I'll just uh maybe I, should I wait outside," Alan offered.

"I think that's a good idea," Mr. Tyson said.

"Don't touch anything out there either," the body guard warned.

"You know he's not our good friend, we don't know him that well," Stu tried to explained. I shot him a 'just leave it alone' look.

The screen now showed us leading the tiger to the cop car. "By the way where did you get that cop car from?" Mr. Tyson asked.

"We stole it from these dumb ass cops," Stu said proudly. I couldn't help but smile as I looked at him and I nudged him knee with mine.

"Nice high five," Mike said giving us all a round of high fives. "That's nice."

"You know I just have to say I have never seen a more beautiful, elegant, just regal creature," Phil said. As we saw on the screen Phil pretending to fuck the tiger while we got it into the car. Phil's voice was heard from the video, "Check it out Stu, fuck this tiger." Stu covered his eyes and I just shook my head. "Oh my god that's awful."

"Just when I thought we would get out of here alive," I said.

"Oh man who does shit like that?" Mike Tyson asked.

"Someone with a lot of issues obviously. I'm a sick man."

"That's all we got," the body guard said.

"This was hugely helpful really because now we know that our buddy Doug was with us at 3:30 totally alive," Stu said.

"Thanks again champ. We are so sorry we stole your tiger," Phil said. I nodded in agreement.

"Don't worry about it man like you said we all do dumb shit when we're fuck up," Mike Tyson quoted Phil. We all laughed.

"I did say that."

"You know everyone says that Mike Tyson is such a bad ass but I think he's kind of a sweetheart," Stu said once were in the car.

"Totally," I agreed. I think we were all in a better mood now that we didn't have to worry about that damn tiger.

"I think he's mean," Alan said.

"Alright I think it's officially time we call Tracy," Phil said after being strangely quiet.

"Hallelujah finally Phil says something that makes sense," Stu said and I began clapping.

"I mean we don't have much of a choice. Who knows maybe she's heard from Doug."

"That's what I've been saying this whole time."

"We just need to be completely honest and tell her everything."

"She's going to kill us. Damned if we do, damned if we don't," I groaned.

"What am I going to tell my dad about his car," Alan said.

"Relax it's just the inside. I got a guy in LA who is great with interior," Phil said. That's when a black SUV slammed into the passenger side of the car which ran into a neon side which fell and impaled the top of the car.


	16. lucky charm

You guys okay? Phil asked. What the hell? Just when you things were getting better we get I got interrupted.  
I know that guy. That s the guy from the trunk, Alan said. Get out of the car please, the little Asian man said.  
Like saying please is going to make me get out of the care, I said.  
Wait those are the guys who shot Eddie! Stu said as two more Asian men got of the SUV.  
Listen, Phil began to say but the men began pulling him out of the passenger side window. Oh Okay Easy, easy, Stu said but he was the next one to get pulled through the window. Relax. Ow, ow. Easy I have whiplash. Now fat boy, the little Asian man said.  
Hey, hey, hey Stu said as Phil said, Take it easy. Well there is no way in hell they are dragging me through a window. I opened the door got out all by myself but on the opposite side of the car from the crazy Asians.  
"Take it easy," Phil said. He and Stu looked to see that I was alright.  
"I want my purse back, assholes," the little Asian man said.  
"What Purse?" Phil asked.  
"That's not a purse, it's a satchel," Alan said because he of course would be the only one to know what the guy was talking about.  
"It's a purse, 'kay? And you steal from wrong guy."  
"Wait a second we stole from you?" Phil asked.  
"Okay you what? We don't remember anything that happened last night so help us out a little here," Stu said taking charge.  
One of the Asian tough guys spoke up, "Well apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night. Yeah you," he pointed at Alan, "were on a real heater when you played your streak and ended up winning over eighty grand."  
"No shit, eighty grand? That's nice," Phil said incredulously.  
"Hell yeah, go Alan," I said before I could stop myself. So far the scary Asain men haven't paid attention to me & I'd like to keep it that way.  
"Well that's good," Stu said wondering what that problem was.  
"You put the chips in his purse and ran off with it," the man said.  
"That doesn't sound like us," Stu said.  
"Nothing we did last night is like us, if you haven't noticed," I commented. Stu turned to give me an annoyed look.  
"That one had eighty thousand dollars inside. This one has nothing," the little Asian said.  
"Hey there are skittles in there!" Alan yelled suddenly reaching for the purse. The scary Asian men began restraining him.  
"Don't the the beard fool you he's a child," Stu said, while the little Asian laughed.  
"That was funny because he's fat."  
"This was obviously a very simple misunderstanding. Alan picked up the wrong purse no big deal," Stu reasoned.  
"'Kay if it no big deal. Why when I come after you guys he start screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk," he said indicating Phil.  
"I did that?" Phil said looking confused.  
"Yeah you said he was your lucky charm and you wanted to take him home with you," the scary Asian.  
I started to giggle as Stu asked, "Lucky charm?" I was sure it was my nerves getting the best of me but then Phil began laughing too.  
"That's just funny," Phil managed to say.  
"Ahh fuck you! If you want to see your friend again you get me my eighty grand," the little Asian.  
"Our Friend?" Phil asked his eyes wide.  
"You have Doug?" Stu asked.  
"Oh My God, Doug!" I screamed running toward their black SUV.  
"Doug's in the car. Doug it's okay!" Phil yelled as he banged on the backseat window.  
"We'll get you out of there," I said. The scary Asian moved toward me while the other moved toward Phil.  
"You chill out gotee," Stu said wrapping his arms around me while pulling me back from the SUV."What do you want?" "Not so good now douche bag," the little Asian said.  
"What?"  
"We're very sorry but this is an easy fix. Alan wher'e his purse?" Phil said frantically.  
"I don't know!" Alan said.  
"What it's in the hotel room right?" Stu said one arm still securely around my waist.  
"Yeah we can go get it," Phil offered.  
"We can get the purse. We can write you a check right now," Stu said.  
"No check, cash only," the little man said as they got back in the SUV.  
"There's a person in there!" Stu said finally letting go of me much to my dismay.  
"Wait we're very sorry!" Phil said.  
"You kidnapped our friend! Stop! Run me over!" Stu said running over to stand in front of the SUV.  
"Stu please get of their way," I said and I could just feel it coming.  
The window roll down, "Bring money to Big Rock, Mojave Desert at dawn," the little Asian man.  
"What?" Phil asked.  
"Toot-a-loo, mother fucker."  
"At least take the bag off his head!" Phil said running after the car.  
"Fuck!" Stu yelled. The tears were streaming down my face and I could not hold in my sob any longer. I knew they heard it. "Oh shit, Charlie!" Phil said hurrying toward me but Stu was closer. He pulled me into his chest and soothingly rubbed circles on my back.  
"We're going to get him back, Charlie. Please stop crying. It's going to be okay," Stu said.  
I took in a shaky breath before saying "I know, I know. I am just tired and hungry, you know how I get." Honestly I was really, really worried. These Asian guys seemed like people we should not be messing with.

We went to the hotel. The guys insisted that I eat something which I was not about to object. They were tearing apart the room looking for the purse well more torn apart than before. I looked in my room and decided to just lay down for a minute. I had the door open and could hear everything just fine.  
"Guys I am telling you I looked for it this morning before we left. It's not anywhere," Alan said.  
"Hey shh, it's looks like Charlie is taking a nap," Stu said urgently. Yeah let them think that.  
"Fuck! Stu how much you got in the bank?" Phil asked.  
"ten grand maybe more, I was going to use it for the wedding," Stu said.  
"Well I think we need it more to get out of our situation, besides enough of Melissa she's the worst," Phil retorted.  
"Yeah Doug told me she had sex with a pilot or something," Alan chimed in which made me giggle quietly.  
"It was a bartender on a cruise. What is wrong with you people?" "What is wrong with you? On a scale of 1-10 Melissa like a 2 maybe not even. Charlie is like 20. You're a smart guy do the math," Phil said.  
I saw Stu glance at me through the open door. I couldn't be sure because of the distance but I swear a smile pulled at his lips. "Ew! Alan did you just eat sofa pizza?" "Yes." "What are we going to do? we are so fucked!" Phil said.  
"Hey guys!" Alan yelled. Good thing he did, it gave me a reason to get up. "Did you find it?" Stu asked hopefully. I stood in my door way rubbing my eyes as if I was just awoken "No but check it out," Alan said holding up The World's Greatest Black Jack Book. 


	17. best friends

Phil may yell at me for over packing but it does come in handy every once in a while such as now. Yep I packed another dress & shoes to match just in case. I just finished taking a much needed shower and already I was feeling much better after all of today's crazy event. Next on the agenda get ready for our trip to the casino.

A little while later Phil burst into the door and I nearly poked my eye out with the mascara brush. "Hey you almost done? Alan and I are leaving to meet Jade," he said with that smirk.

"You're lucky I was dressed. Ever hear of knocking Phil?" I asked glaring at him.

"Actually I was hoping to catch you undressed which was the point of not knocking."

"Of course. Yeah I just gotta finish up my makeup," I ignored his perverted wishes and turned back to the mirror.

"And Charlie, maybe talk to Stu? Tell him what's on your mind since you two will be alone."

"That's actually not a bad idea. I'm impressed Phil."

"Whatever just don't take forever."

Ten minutes later I walked into the living room to find Stu staring out the window. "I'm ready," I announced. Stu turned and took his time appreciating what he saw. While I know that he's seen me at my worst, for this exact moment I made sure I was at my best. "What, like what you see Stu?" I asked doing a dramatic spin.

"Yes, I mean um, well," he stammered, "You look gorgeous. You are gorgeous inside and out Charlie, always."

I felt the heat rise to my cheeks and if he kept talking like that there would be heat else where too. "Thank you," I managed to say. However I wasn't sure where this was going.

Stu moved towards me, "I've been thinking about what you said earlier."

"Yeah?" I said hopefully.

"Screw Melissa. You guys are right, she's a bitch," he said taking my hand and intertwining our fingers, "You and I should..." He then gingerly pushed some hair behind my ear.

"Be together?" I finished for him.

"Yeah." I closed my eyes anticipating a kiss. Just when I thought my dreams would come true, the sounds of The Who singing "Who are You?" filled the room. Stupid phone! Stupid person texting me! Well of course it's Phil.

Awkwardly and much to my disappointment we separated. "Phil says 'now would be a good time to leave'," I read the text aloud.

"Great timing," Stu mumbled as I replied to Phil 'Thanks for a ruining a potentially romantic moment' stabbing the send button with unnecesary force. "Well let's get going then," Stu said guiding me with a hand on the small of my back. I couldn't hold back the smile on my face and as we waited for the elevator to arrive on our floor. I gave Stu a kiss on the cheek.

As we rode the escalader down toward the tables I asked, "Do you really think this will work?"

"It better."

We arrived at the craps table where Alan was sitting with Jade at his side and Phil standing behind him. Phil gave us a bewildered look noticing that we were holding hands but I ignored it for now or else our cover could be blown.

"Hey these seats taken?" Stu asked.

"No feel free," the dealer told us.

"Let's play some black jack!" Stu said enthusiastically. I figured it wouldn't hurt to use some of my cash especially if we won. We may need the extra money with the way things have been going but Alan was doing really well so far. So much so that Phil felt the need to yell "Shut up bitches!" Stu and I were winning too. That didn't mean I wasn't ball of nerves.

"Splitting Five," the dealer announced.

Stu leaned over to say, "I don't even know you but I"m going to tell you that's dumb," to Alan. I thought was an unnecessary touch.

"Oh come on he can't lose, he can't lose!" Phil yelled. He seriously needed to calm down but I couldn't exactly tell him that without consequences. I probably had no room to talk though, I'm pretty sure I kissed on the cheek Stu in the heat of the excitement.

That's when I noticed there were two men whispering to each other and looking over at Alan. Since it was my job to be the look out, I leaned into Stu. "I think the pit boss is watching them." We had to get out of there somehow, which sucked because Stu and I were winning. I was laughing in celebration, when I got and idea. I continued to laugh maybe a little fakely and I fell backwards off the chair.

"Oh, oh my God," Stu said kneeling next to me and pushing some hair out my face.

"Are you okay?" one of the men who had been watching Alan asked. He was crouched down on the other side of me. I am guessing he was security guard.

"I'm such a klutz, I just get so nervous when I gamble. I am silly," I explained making sure to slur a little. I then knew for sure Stu knew what this was all about by the look on his face.

The security guard began to help me up when Stu stopped him, "Hold on a beat. Let's just take it easy. This is my girlfriend," I didn't let my curiosity of that statement show on face.

"It hurts," I whined.

"Does this hurt?" Stu asked running a hand along my neck.

"Oh ow," I faked.

"You alright?"

"I don't know."

"I don't know either," Stu said while checking to see that Alan, Phil, & Jade were gone, "I think your fine.""

"Really?" I asked as he helped me to my feet.

"Yeah let's go," Stu grabbed the chips off the table, down the rest of his drink before saying, "I'm sorry she had a little too much to drink. Thanks buddy that's for you." He then laid a ten on the table.

"That was awesome Charlie," Stu said picking me up in a hug and spinning me around once we were in the lobby of the hotel. I looked up into eyes and the next thing I knew Stu's lips were pressed to mine. This kiss was soft but intense. My heart was pounding in my chest and my stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies.

We reluctantly broke apart and I couldn't help but grin. That is until I heard Phil's voice, "Oh come on guys. Stu I'm glad you finally came to your senses but really? In the lobby?" I simply glared at Phil. "Come on we gotta get going if we want to be on time," Phil said simply ignoring my glares.

"100, 200, 300, 400 oh with all this that's 82,400 dollars," Stu said as he finished counting sitting next to me in the backseat.

"God damn it. I don't fucking believe it. Alan you're the man!" Phil said hitting the steering wheel.

"You are too, Phil," Alan said.

"We should come back next week and take the whole city down," Phil suggested.

"Oh I'm free!" Alan said.

I shot Stu an annoyed look. "Or we can focus on getting Doug back right now," Stu suggested.

"Oh you know what next week's no good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town but any week after that is totally fine," Alan said.

"I think it's safe to say our luck has officially turned around guys. We are back baby! We are fucking back!" Phil yelled.

"Hell yeah," I agreed.

"We are back, ha classic," Stu said before singing, "We are back. We are getting Doug back." and so on.

Then Alan began singing his very own song, "We're the four best friends that anyone could have. We're the four best friends that anyone could have." He didn't stop until we arrived at our designated meeting spot.

**MEMO: Links for Charlie's dress & Shoes on my profile :)**


	18. Doug?

We sat in our car directly across from the Asians' black SUV. "Now what?" Phil asked.

"Give them the signal," Alan said.

"What signal?"

"Flash your lights let them know it's on."

"What's on?"

"The deal."

"Well of course we just drove 30 miles into the desert, he knows it's on," Phil yelled.

"Phil, just do something," Stu then yelled.

"Thank you!" I said throwing my hands up and then muttered, "Man children."

"Fine," Phil said before flashing the headlights. The Asians began to exit the car.

"Alright let's go." Since the passenger side of the car was smashed in Stu and Alan had to climb out the windows. Stu did it without mishap while Alan fell on his face, literally.

The little Asian man began laughing, "That funny fat guy fall on his face."

"You okay?" Stu asked while Alan dusted himself off.

"Alright we got the money, 80 grand cash," Phil said. I grabbed on to Stu's arm, just because I really didn't trust these guys. I was feeling really nervous about this.

"Throw it over, then I give you Doug," little Asian man said.

"Uh I'm sorry first of all good morning. We didn't catch your name last night," Stu said.

"What are you doing?" I whispered however he ignored me.

"Mr. Chow, Leslie Chow."

"Mr. Chow it's a pleasure."

"Bullshit." I muttered and Stu threw me a look.

"My name is Stu and I would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money just to verify he's okay if that's cool."

"Of course Stu that is cool." The scary Asian man pulled a guy out of the backseat with a white bag over his head but I knew it wasn't Doug right away.

"That's..." I tried to voice this but Phil shushed me. Can you believe that?

"See he's fine now give me money or I shoot him and all you motherfuckers and we take it your choice bitches," Chow threatened.

"But..." again I was interrupted by Phil.

"Charlie shut up. Give him the money Stu."

Stu looked at me with concern. "Just do it. I'm not dying today," I told him.

"Okay," Stu said and then threw the bag of money over to Chow.

"Let him go," Chow order. The scary Asians pushed him over to us and the closer they got, the more sure I was that it wasn't Doug. How was nobody else noticing this? This guy was taller and not fat but physically a bigger guy than Doug.

"Alright take it easy," Phil said.

"Ta-da," Chow said when they white cover was off. Yeah just what I thought NOT Doug. We were face to face with some black guy I've never seen before. Stu yelled out and dropped my head to his shoulder.

"What the fuck?" I asked.

"Is this some kind of joke? Who the hell is this?" Phil yelled.

"This is not Doug," Stu said.

"What you talking about Willis, that him," Chow protested.

"No Mr. Chow that is not our friend," Stu said.

"The Doug we're looking for is a white," Alan said.

"I told you had the wrong guy little boy. Damn Alan what the fuck you got me into," the black guy said.

"Wait you know him," Phil and I asked at the same time.

"That's the guy who sold me the bad drugs. Hey how you doing?"

"I didn't sell you no fucking bad drugs," the guy replied.

"Wait he sold you the ruffalin?" Stu asked.

"Ruffalin?" the guy asked. That's when I launched myself at this guy, I was going to punch him in the face if it was the  
last thing I did. If it weren't for him we would be in the big fucking mess.

"Charlie, seriously control yourself. Who gives a shit? Where is Doug?" Phil said, as I struggled with Stu who was holding me around the waist.

"I am Doug" the black guy said.

"Fuck you," I yelled.

"Your name is Doug?" Alan asked.

"Yeah, Yes I am Doug."

"His name is Doug too. Classic mix up," Alan said shaking his head and chuckling a little. If I knew that Stu didn't have such a strong grip on me I would have tried to launch myself at Alan next.

"Come on," Chow said and his crew began to get back in their SUV.

"Hey Chow you gave us the wrong Doug," Phil yelled.

"Not my problem."

"No fuck that shit you give us out 80 grand back and take him with you," Phil said.

"No, no come on man I'll be your Doug," Doug pleaded.

"Oh yeah okay I take him back right after you suck on this little Chinese nuts," Chow said making obscene gestures.

"Oh that's nasty," Doug said.

"How that sound? So long gay boys and girls," Chow said closing the car door.

"He's a nasty mother fucker," Doug commented.

"Hey did you ever get any ecstasy?" Alan asked.

"No I don't have any fucking ecstasy."

"Shut the fuck up already," I hissed. I was beyond pissed now and Stu could tell so he let me go. He probably thought I would hit him if he didn't.

"God damn it!" Phil yelled obviously in the same mood I was.

"Gosh darn it!" Alan mimicked.

"Shit!" Phil then yelled kicking up some sand.

"Shoot!" I would have thought this was funny at another time.

We decided that we had absolutely no choice but to call Tracy. I wanted to be the one to do but Phil insisted he do it. You don't even want to know how many explicit were thrown around during that argument. He was standing about 20 feet from the side of the road where were pulled over. Alan was sitting on the hood of the car, while Stu and I leaned against the side of it. Stu had his arm around me and rubbing my arm soothingly in an attempt to keep me calm. For the moment it was working but no telling what will happen after Phil gets off the phone.

"Thanks for the lift back to town," Doug said after he finishing peeing behind the car.

"I got a question for you," Stu said. I lifted my head from his shoulder in curiosity.

"What?" Doug asked.

"How did you end up in Chow's car?"

"That crazy ass hole kidnapped me yesterday."

"Okay but why? Why you?"

"Cause he thought I was with you guys 'cause we was all hanging together over at the Palazzo," Doug explained.

"What?" Stu asked letting me go to face Doug.

"We were at the Palazzo?" Alan asked.

"Yeah were shooting craps, you don't remember?" Doug replied.

"No, no we don't remember because some dick drug dealer sold him," Stu said pointing to Alan, "Ruffalin and told him it was ecstasy."

"Ruffalin, there you go with that word ruffalin. What the hell is a ruffalin?" Doug began ranting.

I slapped a hand to my forehead, "Are you seriously that fucking stupid?"

"Wow you are the world's shittest drug dealer. Ruffalin for your information is the date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies," Stu explained.

"Oh shit I must have mixed up the bags, my fault Alan. Damn Marshall going to be pissed off at me about that one," Doug said.

"Trust me he's not the only one who is pissed at you," I said.

"Whatever," Stu said.

"It's funny 'cause just the other day me and my boy was wondering why they even call it roofies. You know what I a talking about?"

"No I don't know what you're talking about," Stu said sarcastically.

"Please enlighten us," I said.

"Why not floories right? 'Cause when you take them you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies that's a good new name for them."

"Or how about rapeies?" Alan offered.

"Wait what did you just say?" Stu asked.

"Rapeies," Alan said.

"Not you, Doug what did you say before?"

"I said groundies," Doug said looking confused. I have to admit I was a little puzzled too until Stu said the following.

"No before that you said you're more likely to end up on the floor than..." Stu trailed off when he turned and saw my face. He could tell I figured it out too.

"The Roof!" I screamed tearing off my shoes. I didn't want to ruin my heels or break my ankle.

Stu and I ran as fast we could toward Phil. Stu tackled Phil to the ground and grabbed the phone, "Hey Tracy, it's Stu." I couldn't make out what Tracy saying but a panicked tone in her raised voice. The look on Phil's face as he rolled over to glare at Stu was priceless. "Uh nothing don't listen to Phil he's completely out of his mind probably still drunk from last night." Another pause before Stu said, "He's paying the bill. We just had a delicious brunch and we are in a big hurry to get back so we gotta get going, so see you soon. Bye."

"What the fuck man?" Phil asked once Stu closed the phone.

"We know where Doug is," Stu said. Phil looked up at me and I nodded with a grin.

"Let's get going!" I urged helping them both up.


	19. highway to hell

"I don't know man it just hit me. You remember when we saw Doug's mattress impaled on that statue?" Stu asked.

"Yeah that's because we threw it out the window," Phil answered.

"Wrong!" I yelled in his ear. If I was stuck in the back in the middle seat, I was going to make Phil sorry about that.

"No that's impossible you can't open windows in Vegas hotels," Stu explained.

"Too many people jumping out windows due to extreme money loss, stupid marriages, & too much alcohol or drugs causing them to believe they can fly," I added. I knew this because of my awesome lawyer knowlege.

Doug gave me a weird look before saying, "Girl you're crazier than you look."

"Thank you," I replied.

"Then how did it get oh my god!" Phil said finally getting it.

"Oh whoa wait what'g going on?" Alan asked clueless as usual.

"Doug was trying to signal someone," Stu said.

"Holy Shit how did you figure that out? Phil asked.

"Because obviously he's smarter than you," I said with a smile.

"Doug made me realize it actually," Stu answered but flashed a grin in my direction.

"Doug?" Phil asked.

"Not our Doug, black Doug."

"Hey easy with that shit come on," Doug yelled.

"Sorry."

"Okay can someone tell me where white Doug is?" Alan asked.

"He's on the roof Alan," Phil said.

"Yes he's on the roof. We must have taken him up there on his mattress as a prank so he'd wake up on the roof," Stu said.

"It's like that time at summer camp remember we moved his sleeping bag out into the lake," Phil said while laughing.

"Which was hilarious, which it's not so funny now because we forgot where we put him," Stu said laughing as well.

"That's the summer I broke my foot, isn't it? So I wasn't there, " I asked while pouting.

"Yeah I think so, sorry babe," Stu said.

"Aww how cute," Phil said.

"You guys are fucking retarded you know that?" Doug said. I shrugged in response.

"Holy shit you think he's still up there?" Phil asked.

"There's only one way to find out." Stu said.

"Doug?" Stu yelled as we burst through the door. Alan was actually thinking when he pried the door open with a brick. Then we began yelling his name and running around the roof like crazy people.

"Where are you buddy?" Phil yelled.

"Where are you at Doug?" Alan then yelled.

"He's got to be here somewhere," I mumbled.

"Hey guys he's over here!" Stu yelled.

"Hey I found him! He's over here," Alan yelled.

I ran over to Stu giving him a hug and kiss on the check. Leaning over a very unhappy and burnt Doug, Stu said, "He's okay, you're okay. We got to go buddy come on. We have been looking everywhere for you."

"He's alive," Alan observed as Stu and I helped Doug up.

"I would hug you but it looks like that might hurt," I told Doug.

He then shrugged us off once on his feet and said, "What the fuck is going on?"

"We can explain everything but right now we got to go," Stu said.

"Hey bud you okay?" Phil said.

"No I'm not okay," Doug said.

"You look good you got some color. I'm jealous."

"I'm getting married today."

"Yes you are and Doug that's why you need to focus and do everything we say because frankly you're wasting a little bit of time right now."

"You fucking asshole," Doug yelled and launched himself tackling Phil to the ground. "Oh my skin burns, ow ow god," he screamed rolling off Phil. Stu and I exchanged worried looks.

"It's okay it's not your fault Doug," Alan said stroking Doug's face.

"Don't touch me. Shut up. All of you shut up just get me home, just get me home." Doug ordered.

"What about the one after that? You can not be serious oh god damn it," Stu said flipping his phone shut, "Every flight to LA is booked."

"What about into Burbank?" Phil asked. He was pushing a wheelchair that held Doug.

"Totally sold out."

"Oh fuck well we can't drive there, the wedding starts in 3 and half hours. Alan where's the car?"

"It's on it's way," Alan said. "You know what we can drive there. We can make it.

"Alan there's someone here to talk to you," I said pointing out Jade sitting on a bench. She waved when he turned.

"Okay um just give me a second."

"We will leave without you," Phil said. I hit him.

"Stu are you missing a tooth?" Doug asked.

Ignored him and said, "I feel bad for him."

The car arrived and we got Doug all situated while Alan talked to Jade. Phil got into the driver's seat since he decided he was the best canidate to get us to the wedding on time. I beg to differ.

"Here's your ring back," Alan said dropping it into Stu's hand, "Hey now you will be able to give it to Charlie."

I began to blush and I could feel all eyes on me, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

Stu put his arm around me and kissed my temple, "One day I will give it to her," he said.

"Wait you two are, what's going on?" Doug asked.

"Alan it's fine, it's down," Phil shouted at Alan who was messing with the convertible top.

"Well unofficially, I still have to tell Melissa that it's over," Stu said wincing. I think he realized how scary that task will be.

"Don't worry I'll be there right with you," I said giving Stu's knee a squeeze.

At this point Phil was standing on the back of the car stomping on the convertible top. "Don't, you're gonna mess the car up," Alan complained.

Phil sat back down in the driver's seat, "Alright let's go."

Once we were out on the road Doug said, "At least the trip wasn't a total disaster."

"What makes you say that?" Alan asked.

"Well Stu and Charlie are finally together and when I woke up on the roof I happened to find 80 thousand dollars worth of ballagio chips in my pocket."

"Oh my god!" Phil said hitting the steering wheel.

"Looks like we're going home with some money," Doug said actually smiling for the first time since we found him again.

"Here he comes. That's him. Hey Nico!" Alan yelled as a van with The Tux Shop on the side pulled up next to us.

"What's up Alan!" Nico yelled and began throwing packages wrapped in brown paper at us, inside were the tuxs for the guys, "Whoa look out.

"Oh shit," Phil said swerving around a car in front of us.

"Thanks Nico!" Alan said once we had the tuxes.

"Who was that guy?" Stu asked.

"That's my buddy," Alan answered.

We then stopped on the side of road so they could change into the tuxes. Yes I said the side of the road. I took this time to do my make up and luckily I pulled my hair into a side braid before we left. Once we got there I would just have to throw on my dress and shoes and then I would be ready to go.

We pulled up in front of the house, ran in bursting through the door. "Sorry mapquest took us a really crazy route," Stu offered when Tracy stood looking at us in a stunned silence.

"Move I have to put on my dress," I said pushing them aside.


	20. the boy is mine

I rushed into the room to get my dress on so we could get this wedding started. Of course Tracy was right behind me, "What the hell happened? What is going on?" she demanded.

"Look, I don't think I should be the one telling you. I would ask your soon to be husband first, then I'll tell you exactly what really happened. You don't want to be upset right before you get married, do you?" I reasoned with her.

She looked at me skeptically before asking, "You Promise?"

"Pinky swear," I said offering her my pinky finger. As she accepted my proposition I added, "Besides he's not the one who got into trouble."

"You're right I don't want to know right now," she said.

Once the wedding got underway things went smoothly. It really was beautiful. Now at the reception, we had already eaten dinner. Some people were dancing, some were just socializing, but Alan, Stu and I were downing a shot. So far we were doing a fabulous job at avoiding Melissa but that had to end sometime. That would be now. "Stu are you avoiding me?" she demanded.

"Melissa," Stu said.

"Hey Melissa," I called out to which I received a death glare.

"Oh My God what happen to your tooth?"

"Have you met Alan, Tracy's brother? Brother of the okay, ow," Stu said trying to evade the question when Melissa grabbed his face.

"That is disgusting," she said staring into Stu's mouth. "Why haven't you returned my calls?"

"Well there was a snafu and when we stopped," Stu said grabbing for an excuse looking at me for help.

"I called that bed and breakfast in Napa they said they had no record of you checking in," Melissa said. It's too late to help him now.

"That's because we didn't go to Napa," Stu said confidently and I had to smile. He is finally standing up to her.

"Stu what the fuck is going on?" Melissa yelled loudly. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at her. I noticed Phil covering his son's ears.

"We went to Las Vegas and you know what? Charlie came too," he answered.

"Oh really Las Vegas? Why would you go to Las Vegas?" she said glaring at me again.

"Because my best friend was getting married and that's what guys do!" Stu answered.

"Yeah 'cause going to Napa with a bunch of guys is totally gay," I said giving her my sweetest smile.

"Really well that's not what you do and Charlie stay the fuck out of this."

I moved forward because I was about to let this bitch have it but Stu stepped in front me. "I got this. Then why did I do it huh? Because I did it, riddle me that. Why'd I do it? You know sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. I'm sick of doing what you want me to do. In a healthy relationship a guy should be able to do what he wants to do sometimes," Stu said complete with crazy hand gestures and all.

"That's not how this works," Melissa said.

"Oh good whatever this is ain't working for me."

"Oh really, since when?"

"Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June. Boom!" Stu said slapping the table. I really tried not to laugh but then Alan had to interject.

"You told me it was a bartender," Alan said and I burst out laughing.

"You're right I stand corrected, it was a bartender. You fucked a bartender."

"You're an idiot."

"You're a, you are a daaa… Such a bad person all the way through to your core," Stu said.

Phil was watching this scene proudly, I mouthed to him 'watch this'. "Can I just say something? Stu is too good of a person to say this himself but quite frankly I am not. You're fucking bitch and a whore. You deserve to rot in hell for all the horrible things you have done to Stu, whom I happen to be in love with. So guess what, he gets a happy ending but you do not," I said.

Then to my surprise Stu turned toward me, grabbed me by the waist, and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck while thinking I better make this a good kiss. After this I might get beaten to death. Once we parted I could feel the heat in my face and I didn't dare take a look at Melissa. "Charlie, Alan should we dance?" Stu said unfazed.

"Uhh sure," I said looking up at him with a small smile.

He grabbed my hand and led the way, "Let's do this!" he yelled.

Alan was right behind us, Phil ran over, Doug was grinning and we shared a group hug.

"My feet hurt," I whined dropping my shoes next to the chair Stu was lounging in. He patted his lap and I happily accepted the invitation. He wrapped and around my waist as leaned back into him. Phil watched from behind his sleeping son's body with a smile and for once didn't have a smart ass comment.

"Dougie I got to tell you this was a gorgeous wedding," Stu said.

"I give it six months," Phil said.

"You're a dick," Stu retorted.

"I was going to say that," I mumbled.

"I don't know what to say, thanks for the bachelor party I guess," Doug said.

Stu laughed and said, "Yeah I just wish we could remember some of it."

"I honestly don't know if I want to know," I said.

Alan walked up holding something, "Hey guys look what I found."

"Whoa that's my camera," Stu said straightening up.

"Yeah it was lodged in the back seat of car."

"Oh god, are there photos on it?" Phil asked.

"Yeah some of it's worse than we thought," Alan said.

"No fucking way, give me that."

"Whoa wait," Stu said.

Doug stood up grabbing the camera, "Wait, wait. We look at these pictures together okay? One time then we delete the evidence."

"I say we delete them right now," Stu said.

"You're not even a little curious?" I asked.

"You just said you don't want to know," he said and I answered with a shrug.

"Are you nuts I want to find out how I wound up in the hospital. Is that on there?" Phil said standing up.

"Yeah it's in the there," Alan said.

"Guys one time, deal?" Doug asked.

We all agreed some of us more reluctantly than others.

_There's one more where this came from. I know I am horrible person for keeping you all waiting. Please for give me!_


End file.
